If you have a lasting, fulfilling friendship or love relationship, odds are it is not due to luck. It’s humbling to sometimes remind ourselves that everyone is pretty much as offensive as everyone else. Unless you are being emotionally abused or manipulated, chances are the challenges you face in your relationship would most likely surface with anyone you choose.
Why is that? Simply because we humans are all intrinsically flawed and liable to err on occasion. We are therefore worthy of compassion and oftentimes even forgiveness. After all, love is about sharing. I share my opinions; you share the remote. Our love is 50/50. I spend the money; you manage the budget. But seriously, on any given day you may be turning over in your mind whether you should even stay in the relationship at all.
How much of your unhappiness can be attributed to your friend or partner? Would this not be the same challenge trying to live with anyone or attempting a deep intimate connection? Are you aware that you, too, may be contributing to the lack of harmony?
Are you a bit hard to be around at times? Admit it. You, too, have some annoying, irritating, and perhaps even maddening traits. Do you know what they are? Our love is unconditional, as long as the batteries in the remote control are replaced regularly.
Here’s an idea. Make a list of things that you don’t actually fight about. Are you able to calmly explain how you actually feel about things to your loved ones? Do you tend to be accusatory instead?
Know this, sweet friends: Your feelings are not a reliable guide to your inner self or to those around you. Trust me. We are all looking through a foggy pane of glass when we look out at the world. Do not assume that your first impressions are generally accurate. Our minds tend to distort our impressions. The senses are quite fallible.
Not everything is what is seems to be. Your feelings or senses may make you fall into error. Have you ever gotten into a bad mood but had no idea where it even came from? You then change your mood and suddenly you re-evaluate the situation completely.
When you are tired, you may be attacked by all sorts of ideas. Perhaps something you thought you conquered years ago. Exhaustion or fatigue changes your outlook on things. Does simply being hungry do so? When I say I’m hungry, you got about 13 minutes till I’m a different person. Just kidding.
Conceivably we should embrace how flawed our minds really are. Be cautiously aware and skeptical of your emotions, sweet friends. Our feelings can certainly cloud our judgment. Do not rush into big decisions. Rethink and review your thoughts and ideas at a different time. Oh, I know, that love is accepting that her “five minutes” is a relative concept.
Your emotions are certainly not the guide to the truth. Learn to moderate your impulses, even if you absolutely have to have that Gucci bag, or your third plate of cholent. She said: “I’m Prada. You’re nada.” Uh-oh. Believe it or not, what will help is eating a moderate diet, exercising a tad, and trying to actually get to bed early.
Be a better friend to yourself, and the rest will follow. Apply the same empathy that you show your friends and loved ones to yourself. Just like you reassure your friends and children that they are truly lovable, offer consolation and compassion to yourself as well.
No doubt you have been told many times when you are wrong. Commend yourself for all the things you are getting right. When you make mistakes, hold onto the memory of all of your virtues and goodness.
Everyone fails at one time or another, sweet friends. You just may not know about it. Sometimes you can be a better friend to a total stranger than you are to yourself. Please learn to direct some of that affection and adoration to your sweet self as well. Look at it this way: Love is like Wi-Fi. Sometimes there are connection issues, but mostly it’s just magic.
Keep laughing through it all. Humor acts as a guiding light that keeps the darkness away. It can turn a simple smile into a hilarious outburst, and an ordinary moment into a lifelong memory.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.