Do you already have all the friends and associates that you need? Do you have a social agenda? Believe it or not, feeling lonely and not having a boatload of friends is part of the journey of life.
Successful, wealthy, and renowned members of your own community may very well feel lonesome or even empty at times. Please do not compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. Do you know of some who are widely acclaimed, honored, or celebrated? They, too, may have outgrown school friends and failed to find genuine connection or companionship.
Our society is cold and guarded, making our craving for a sense of belonging that much stronger and seemingly out of our reach. Sure, you may feel sad due to unresolved trauma or simply not having enough serotonin.
However, hold onto this historical realization, if you will. For nearly all of known history, humans lived in communities. People lived with families or communally. They prepared food together, dined together, and even died around each other. Speaking of dining, it’s been said: If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger. You know my favorite flavor of cake is more. Listen, I love you with every pizza my heart.
But truly, people felt closely connected to neighbors, making small talk, being there for one another during times of need, and then noticing how barriers would easily dissolve over the years. In recent history, we venerate those who live alone in condos, commute to work with total strangers, and even dine alone. The only clubs you’re interested in are sandwiches, eh? I get it. You know, an onion a day keeps everyone away.
Indeed, we humans were once tribal and lived in tightly knit communities. If you are fiercely independent, how do you meet all of your social needs? We urgently need to recover our friendship circles. Our desire for connection reveals our unquenched emotional needs. Many of us feel alienated much of the time.
We meet via the media, instead of in person. I’ll be posting telepathically today; so, if you think of something funny, that was me.
But seriously, we pride ourselves on living in such technologically advanced times. We download hundreds of apps and have to deal with unending frustration and hurdles of doing everything “online.” Speaking of which, how many times do you have to click “accept cookies” before they send you cookies?
But truly, how would you describe your ideal community? Do you spend much time with people who share your values and ideals? You may feel a strong desire to move forward in life, which somehow meets with a compulsion to stay fixed or even trapped.
You want to leave a job, neighborhood, or relationship, perhaps, but remain blocked by doubts or hesitations. Do you watch life just go by, feeling more and more anxious? Friends suggest ideas, but what is keeping you stuck?
If you were told as a child to never pursue creativity, you may have chosen an unfulfilling career path. Your parents held you in a particular way of being. It’s difficult to draw a connection to the messages we were given in childhood.
You may have to ask yourself what ideas or accepted wisdom about life and love stemmed from childhood messages. Dismantle the cage you may feel you are in. Recognize that you have emotional freedom after all.
Be loyal to yourself, sweet friends. Your mind lets you step outside of yourself and view yourself dispassionately. What you do has remarkable significance. We know not what our end will be, but we can imagine how we wish to be remembered.
Be open to the fact that lonesomeness is a universal phenomenon. Every one’s life has a measure of disappointment and despair. If you truly love yourself, no need to seek other’s approval or external validation.
Love takes many forms. Friends may not come easily. We strive for familial love and yet we must cultivate self-love, as well. Who prioritizes you? What is your source of love, sweet friends?
It’s been said: It’s better to be yourself and have no friends than it is to be like your friends and have no self.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
