Dear Goldy:
One of my friends redt a shidduch for me. The guy was one of her husband’s friends. I was told up front that he lives in France, but “is moving” to New York, so the next few months may have a lot back and forth. I was fine with that.
The friend, whom I’ll call Yaakov, and I hit it off. We went out a few times a week, texting, etc. Then he told me he had to go back to Paris to finalize packing up things and arranging for shipping some furniture. I was told that Yaakov would be going back and forth to Paris until he was completely moved to New York. Before he left, Yaakov and I discussed continuing the relationship. He said that he didn’t want to put things on hold, and we would skype, email, etc. He planned on being in Paris for a few weeks. Three weeks seemed like forever, but we would Skype, so it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be able to see him.
For the first week, Yaakov and I Skyped all the time. By the second week we didn’t Skype that much. I tried, but my calls went unanswered. I honestly didn’t think anything of it. Yaakov would send a text that he was busy and would try to call me another time. None of my calls or texts were answered during the third week.
I didn’t want to seem like a lovesick teenager, but at this point I knew it was more than the time difference and being “busy” when I call. I missed Yaakov. I asked my friend to check with her husband. The next day she called back and said Yaakov had gotten engaged last night. In fact, he thought her husband was calling to wish him mazal tov.
What? Engaged? As of two weeks ago we were skyping and talking all the time. He was packing, moving to New York. How is he engaged? My friend was as shocked and disgusted as I was. She told me that while Yaakov was home, a shadchan got a hold of him and “you know how shadchanim are,” – what like disrespectful when someone tells them they’re involved with someone they still insist he go out with someone else? She said the shadchan committed him to date this girl before she even spoke to him. Is this how they do it in Europe? How can you commit for someone who may be in a relationship and not able to go out? Yaakov and his new girl dated every day and couldn’t stop talking. He decided that instead of moving to New York for the purpose of finding a shidduch, which was his intent, he’d stay in Paris because he believed Hashem sent him this girl when he least expected it, just when he was ready to move to a different country to find a wife. What? So, this means Hashem is punishing me then? The shadchan is just as much at fault as Yaakov. Maybe this is what’s done overseas, but I still can’t believe it.
Why didn’t Yaakov refuse the shadchan and insist that he didn’t want to go out because he was already dating someone. I was waiting for him! He knew that! We were talking every day, until we weren’t. He’s the one who said he wanted what we had to continue! Even if he just went along to be nice to the shadchan, why? He was moving, he wouldn’t have to deal with her again.
My friend had no answers but did say that Yaakov was going to call to explain. There can be no explanation. But Yaakov called. He said all the “right things.” He knew he shouldn’t have let the shadchan answer for him. He should have insisted he was seeing someone; he should have told me something was going on instead of avoiding me – it’s like he was reading from a textbook. Then he started saying how he thought this was bashert because, just as he is leaving, she walks into his life. OMG. I didn’t want to sound broken-hearted, but I was. I said all the wrong things; I knew it and didn’t care. I asked if he had any feelings for me? I asked why he didn’t start the date by saying he was forced into this, and he had a girlfriend, and if he did, how did the dating continue, why he couldn’t just tell me himself instead of avoiding me. Oh, I went downhill fast. He said I was right about it all, he should’ve either told the shadchan, the girl, or me – but he didn’t. There was nowhere else this conversation could go. Like an idiot, I wished him well and hung up.
Wished him well? I’m heartbroken. I wanted to yell and scream at him. How could he do this to me? And in just two weeks? I yelled and screamed into my pillow, to my friends, to my parents. It’s like, “Did this really happen?” One day I was in a relationship, and the next day I wasn’t.
Dumped
*****
Thank you for your email, Dumped – but I hate the name you chose. Dumped. It’s so negative. I understand that you’re angry, hurt, and feeling at your lowest, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You were the one wronged. And you’re right: No matter how nice he was during the phone call, he can’t redeem himself to mentch status in your eyes (and maybe in the eyes of some of my readers).
I had something similar happened to me, but the fellow, “Michael” and I didn’t date nearly as long as you and Yaakov. We went out three or four times at the end of the summer. He was from London and “just visiting” America for a month but would consider moving if... Michael went home for the Yamim Tovim. Before he left, he told me that if I wanted to date someone else while he was gone, I should. I said fine. That defined where our “relationship” was up to; we weren’t that invested in each other to be exclusive. Fast forward to Motza’ei Sukkos; the shadchan called me and told me the wonderful news: Michael had gotten engaged over Chol HaMoed. I was surprised and a little shocked. But that was it. I moved on. It felt odd. Yes, he said I should go out and I knew he would do the same, but I didn’t expect him to get engaged!
I don’t know how shadchanim work overseas. I don’t know if shadchanim commit the singles to dates before speaking with them. It sounds like a strange way to operate. How would they know if the person is available – where in this situation, Yaakov was not. We’ll never know what really happened. But facts are facts. Yaakov dated someone when he told you to “wait for me,” and then got engaged!
I’m sitting here wondering if you misread feelings or messages while dating Yaakov. But he told you not to put things on hold and you were communicating for the first week of his trip. I can’t understand it. How can a mature adult ghost someone he’s in a relationship with? It’s a coward’s way out. Instead of calling or even texting (which I hate), you had to be the one to have your friend’s husband contact him. Was he going to call at all? When would he tell you about this? Or would he hope you got the message when he never returned to New York?
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are broken-hearted and it’s understandable. You didn’t say “all the wrong things,” because none of this was right. You were rudely dumped in the worst way. No matter how Yaakov tried to spin it, he’s in the wrong. He’s wrong for not saying anything right away to the shadchan, to the girl, to you. Would he have called if your friend’s husband hadn’t reached out? It may have been an awkward conversation if he had called you, but it would have put an end to this the right way, or a righter way. I hope he was sweating and maybe even having anxiety symptoms while speaking with you. You may feel that he said all the right things and was reading out of a playbook for this, but there isn’t a playbook for this. If you are invested in a relationship, that you tell your girlfriend you don’t want to put the relationship on hold when you leave for a few weeks, then you owe it to her to call.
You may not feel like it, but you did the right thing by wishing him well at the end. You were and are the bigger person here. You did the right thing. Yelling and crying wouldn’t have accomplished anything. But you didn’t let him off easily, you asked him questions that you needed answers to. Whether or not his answers were truthful I don’t know.
Yaakov can interpret his as Hashem sending him his bashert when he was least expecting it. But you should not look at this as a punishment. Hashem isn’t punishing you. For some reason this had to happen. Yaakov is believing what he’s believing, and it has no bearing on you. Yaakov isn’t your bashert, but this is a horrible way to find that out.
Well, what do you do now? You have to move on. Scream, yell, eat ice cream, make a mix tape of break up songs (we did that in the 1990s) but eventually you need to start dating again. And yes, you may have trust issues because of this. You may be more cautious entering into another relationship, but that would be normal because of what happened. Take it one step at a time.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
