Dear Goldy:
Don’t yell when I tell you I’m 27 and was fed up with the whole dating thing. Every fellow was a cookie-cutter image of the previous one I went out with, except for their names and professions. I didn’t want to date “this type.”
I wanted to date someone who didn’t follow the tried-and-true safe route of high school, college, get a good job in a good firm/hospital/organization. I wanted a risk taker: someone who started his own business or started working at what he loved doing instead of following the path of college, because that is what he thought he was supposed to do. It also tells me what type of personality the guy has: He’s not a safe, boring guy. When I told this to my parents, they just smiled and said someone can be just as successful with a degree than without a degree, but the degree told them (my parents) that the fellow was able to work towards a goal: study, take the proper steps, be patient, etc. I didn’t agree.
I was also seeing a pattern with the personalities of the cookie-cutter men I was getting set up with. Nothing jumped out at me saying that any one of them was different and set him apart. I don’t want you to think I’m some crazy-out-there type of girl who needs a husband with the same out-there type of personality. I just wanted something different from all the same thing I was getting. Something that I wasn’t being set up with and something that I couldn’t articulate well to my parents or shadchanim, because I kept getting the same cookie-cutter type of fellow.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I sat down with my parents and told them that I don’t want the white-collar lawyer/doctor/CPA/teacher. I wanted the blue-collar hard worker of whatever field he chose to work in. I don’t mean blue-collar in a negative way here; I just didn’t want the stiff type of professional. I hope you know what I mean. Again, we were arguing that stability of a paycheck was important. It didn’t matter that plenty of people with degrees were losing their jobs. I tried pointing out that over half of those with a college degree don’t work in a field related to what they earned the degree for, so the degree didn’t equal a good, steady job. But this time I was very determined. I told them I didn’t want to be set up through shadchanim anymore and, somehow, I’d find a way to contact the people who would be able to find the type of man I was looking for. I didn’t like referring to them as shadchanim, because to me a shadchan is a woman in a sheitel taking out her files. I just wanted a friend or a regular person on a casual level.
I knew people who would know what type of guy I was talking about. Long story short, I met someone at a friend’s birthday party. One thing led to another and now we are officially dating. When it came time to tell my parents about him, I was scared. Yes, “Avi” has a job, but neither of my parents think it’s “safe and will be able to provide in the long run.” My father loves to say, “One wrong move and that could be it!” But that applies to anyone in any field. All I’ll say is that Avi is part of a start-up company. He and his partners are working hard, and I think that’s half of what I find so attractive about him: his dedication to something that not everyone would think is a great idea. He takes life as it comes and makes lemonade, lemon meringue pie, lemon tarts – out of whatever is thrown his way. I have yet to see him get down about something that didn’t go as planned. He tries to spin it in his favor and learn from it.
I can’t explain it, but we mesh together so well. I think that my parents are slowly coming around. They see how happy Avi makes me and more importantly that he’s a good person and a hard worker. I know that if ever I do need financial stability, I have my parents to help, but why should I think like that, or they think like that? Avi and I have jobs we love, and we don’t spend frivolously. Whatever Hashem brings our way, we’ll deal with it.
My parents didn’t open their minds and think that a guy like Avi could be what I was looking for and what I needed. They just thought “no degree = bum” and that’s not true. Of course, I like everything else about Avi, not just that he’s not a cookie cutter, but if I hadn’t gone looking on my own, we wouldn’t be together.
Farrah
*****
Thank you, Farrah, for your letter.
Your age doesn’t matter; my articles are for everyone. And if you were able to figure out what you wanted and you were brave enough to go after it, then good for you. It doesn’t matter if you’re 27, 37, 47, or 57. Some singles, both men and women, don’t have it in them to stand up for what they want if everyone is telling them to lean towards something else. And if that something else isn’t completely wrong, then they don’t make ripples or waves. They go along with it. And nothing is wrong with that, if they are happy. You were not happy, made a little ripple or a few waves, and now you can honestly say it was worth it because you’re happy.
Farrah, I want to tell you that while I understand what you mean, you shouldn’t think that the “cookie-cutter” fellows you were set up with don’t have that adventurous type of personality. I went out with plenty of men who had the white-collar 9-5 jobs and then at 5:30 p.m., they were off doing something completely unexpected. They understood the need to pay the bills and have money in the bank, so they played the part for eight hours a day; but then, they did whatever they wanted to do. One fellow was a pilot and had saved enough money for a small plane and flew every chance he was able to. Another fellow loved deep-sea diving and went practically every weekend. He wouldn’t date on Sunday because that meant he wouldn’t be able to “go out as far” as he wanted if he had to get back for a date. Different things like that. So please don’t think that just because “they all seem like cookie-cutter images of each other,” that their interests, love, hobbies, side hustles are the same. You may not have gotten to know any of them well enough to discover this part of their life.
I know exactly what you mean when you wrote that you wanted the “blue-collar.” You wanted someone that got out there, made a place for himself, worked hard at it, maybe took a few bumps along the way, maybe he’s made it, or maybe he’s still on the way. That type of person has another type of personality than the type of person you had described being set up with. I can see how your parents may have been taken aback and surprised. You had mentioned that your parents saw a college/law/medical degree as someone who tows the line, follows the rules, is patient, degree = stability, etc. They only want what they think is best for you because they don’t see this new world as you do. Nothing is wrong with the safe way, but it wasn’t for you. Can’t blame them for being fearful at first. They don’t want their child to suffer because she thinks marrying someone who “flies by the seat of his pants” seems exciting.
I’m glad to hear that your parents are coming around and accepting Avi in your life as well as accepting his life choice in terms of career or making a living. Don’t be too hard on them. Our parents’ generation was raised and taught very differently from how the world operates today. It takes a while to get used to it. But you said they see that Avi is a good person who cares for you. And that’s what any parent wants for his or her child.
Your last paragraph bothers me, though: that you can always count on your parents if something unfortunate may happen in the future, financially. But I’m telling you to let go of that thought. If you know you have a safety net, then you may make different choices than if you didn’t. Plus, it counteracts what your whole letter talked about – you are not going the tried-and-safe route. So don’t think this route won’t work. If it doesn’t, you’ll figure things out. But what if it does work out? Imagine that! You got everything you wanted, on your terms. If this is what you want, stick to it. But keep your eyes looking ahead, not backwards for the cushion, should you fall.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
