Allow me to interrupt my usual flow of articles. The articles that have been prepared weeks in advance are patiently waiting their turn to be submitted for publication.
When I speak or write, I try to use language that the person or persons I am talking to will understand. Meaning, I don’t use any fancy language. I understand that words have power; power to hurt, praise, strengthen, embarrass. But when I read what S.R. wrote about my article/column (as a whole) in the May 16 edition of the paper, I knew I had to respond. I had to clarify. I had to make S.R. understand what the “Dating Today” column is truly about. If S.R. has misinterpreted my message, according to the law of averages, others have, as well. And no, I will not write S.R.’s name because I don’t believe in singling anyone out for any reason than praising someone for hard work or thoughtfulness. A friend of mine told me to leave it alone. “Do you really care what one person thinks about you or the column?” The answer is no. But if there are many people who have negative thoughts because they misinterpret the message, then it is my duty to clarify any misunderstandings. As I always say, I’m not Rashi. There is no deeper meaning into my words. No reason to take out your decoder ring (1950s and 1960s reference) to fully understand what I’m trying to say.
Let us note that this will be a one-time occurrence. Don’t expect me to respond individually to any one opinion in the column. But like I said, if one person is having an issue, many may be having the issue, as well. So, I’m here to help.
I’m not apologizing that the referenced article was one of many that “distressed” S.R. We are all free to have an opinion. But when S.R. writes, “While there is a myriad of problems in the dating world...what purpose does finger-pointing serve?” It solidifies that S.R. has missed the entire concept of the Dating Today column (and isn’t part of my target audience). My targeted reader knows I don’t finger-point or place any blame on any one person, group, or issue. Yes, there are many ingredients that go into the cauldron brewing with “Why are there so many singles?” and “What’s at fault for the shidduch crisis?” It wouldn’t make sense for me to finger-point, because I wouldn’t have enough fingers to go around.
I write about my disdain for people I feel should not be shadchanim. It’s my opinion that someone who has a binder full of names/profiles, never calls/texts back a single whom they “promised” to help and who speaks to a single with a nasty tone or feels they have the right to say anything because they are a shadchan and they really are “trying to help,” should stop helping. I also try to give a voice to the voiceless, and by doing so maybe shed some light on why there are so many younger/older singles and why we’re in the middle of a crisis.
S.R. points out, “It may be rude or offensive, but one can always walk away and not look back.” That’s all true. The single can choose to break ties with the shadchan, but what happened while they were sitting with the shadchan, S.R.?
*****
“I sat there listening to him tell me that I had to lose at least 15 pounds, 25 would be best, if I wanted him to redt a good shidduch for me. Because girls won’t like me the way I am...”
“She asked me if I would be as hard to deal with as my older sister was, because she was too picky and no one was good enough for her, and ‘now look at her.’ Tsk, Tsk...”
“I left voicemails for over a month and never heard from her. I can’t understand why she told me that she had three guys lined up for me in her head and was excited to get to work with me, and then ghost me. Not even a phone call back to say, “He’s busy” or even that she’s too busy with her life to help me now. I left her house excited and hopeful. But she left me hanging.”
“When he finally called back, he said he was busy with family and work stuff, so he hadn’t gotten a chance to start looking through the resumes he told me about. That was two weeks ago. I’ve been sitting like an idiot waiting for a call that was never going to come. Just tell me that you’re busy and come back in a month. Why have me come to his house, meet with me for 45 minutes, give me some hope, and then not look for someone for weeks. Nothing is wrong saying that he’s busy now and to call him in a few weeks when things calm down, because then he can sit and really think about who may be a good date for me. I feel like a fool.”
“I rescheduled plans because she said she only had this night and time to meet with me and my mother. We sat there for over two hours. She kept talking about all the matches she’d made over the years. Every time I try to cut in and tell her about me, she’d say she isn’t finished talking yet. After two hours, my mother stood up, thanked her for her time and said we were leaving. The shadchan was shocked and said as much to my mother. My mother told her to look at the clock and give a legitimate answer for why we were sitting there that long, and she never asked one question about me. We know you’re a good shadchan; that’s why we’re here. You’ve been tooting your own horn and cutting us off when we try to talk about my daughter. We’ve wasted two hours. We’re done.”
“She gave me a list of books to read and recommended movies I should watch before she sets me up. She explained I needed a makeover to get the type of guy I want. She said I wasn’t like ‘Ugly Betty,’ but was coming across that way. She wanted me to pick up some pointers from the characters in the books and movies. I didn’t know who or what Ugly Betty was. I Googled it when I got home. That’s what she thought of me? I was so embarrassed”
“He finally texted back telling me to stop texting. When he has a name for me, he’ll let me know. Excuse me! He said he can help me, so I’m checking in to see if he can help, and now he’s telling me not to contact him? Don’t call me, I’ll call you? Thanks for wasting my time. I’m ashamed to have to rely on strangers for help, but to answer me like this is horrible.”
*****
I can continue for another few pages but won’t. These are actual quotes from emails sent to me. (I can also share experiences that were shared 1:1 with me, but you get the picture.) So, yes, these people can move forward and not look back – but what about how they feel waiting for a call that was never coming or being told to their face what this one person thinks needs fixing about them? In the moment, these are hurtful experiences and words. Yes, I moved on from sitting on the shadchan’s lumpy couch for two hours with my mother (yes, that was me). But for two hours, I hoped to discuss me and what I was looking for. I literally changed my schedule for this woman! I literally lost two hours of my life. Here I am, excited to get a chance to meet with this “great shadchan,” and all she did was talk about her greatness. I guess that’s what they mean when they say not to meet your hero; it’ll only disappoint you. My mother and I left disappointed.
There are wonderful shadchanim out there and wonderful programs for singles led by shadchanim who really care. I’m trying to tell singles to seek them out, and I’m asking the type of shadchanim who are referenced above to stop, because their actions are hurting people.
I loved the book review you provided. As you wrote, it’s about the author’s journey through the shidduch world without rancor and bitterness. That’s great. I hope her book helps many singles. I can’t endorse it because I haven’t read it, but I’ve read thousands of letters from actual singles telling me about their own experiences. Now let me recommend a book for you: The Best of My Worst. In this hilarious read, the author talks to the reader as a friend would, by talking about the best of the worst dates she has been on. The author wrote the book specifically for singles (and others) to laugh at what they are going through. Don’t cry after a horrible date, we’ve all had them, we can go back and laugh at them. I wrote the book for those like me, who would show the world a smile, but sometimes cried in private. (What? Surprised I have feelings and can cry? I’ve built my hard exterior over the years and sometimes from learning lessons the hard way.)
So, S.R., and to anyone else who thinks I am pointing fingers and playing the blame game, I’m not. I’m simply sharing with you what your own brothers and sisters are sharing with me. Maybe if you read their words and hear their pain or sometimes their joy, you would try a little harder to help, or at least not be so harsh on them and say to your friend, “That explains why she/he is single.”
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..