Dear Goldy:
I don’t think you can help me with what I’m about to write. So maybe I’m venting here. Whatever it is, I appreciate anything you have to offer.
My second daughter is in the shidduch parshah now. We’re being extra cautious because of what happened with our first daughter. B’kitzur, our eldest daughter married a “great guy from a wonderful family.” You know the rest. But this “great guy” made it very clear last year, when I was in the hospital for a few weeks, that he and my daughter aren’t here to help us. They came in from another state to help my husband manage the younger children because my husband couldn’t do it all when I was hospitalized – work, kids, be with me in the hospital, run a house, etc. My wonderful son-in-law with “great midos” literally said we shouldn’t rely on them to come and help us. They are their own family; and while they love us, they are creating boundaries that my husband, children, and I must obey or risk not having them in our lives at all.
I can’t tell you the number of sleepless nights, tears, and shock I have been through since his “proclamation.” I understand, they are newly(ish) married (a year and a half). They are working on creating their own family. But how in the world does he have the chutzpah to say those words to our face? He said it to our faces, and when my husband and I tried to reason with him, he didn’t speak with us for almost six months. My daughter spoke to us, but it wasn’t the same easy-going, go-with-the-flow conversations we had always had. Is this what the “great guy” learns in yeshivah? Of course, my husband and I don’t want to bother them more than necessary. We didn’t plan on my illness and hospitalization. It happened quickly. One of our children has special needs; we couldn’t drop him off at a neighbor. My sister lives hours away, and because of her children, she couldn’t just pick up and leave them for a week or a few days. My shver is ill and in and out of the hospital for treatments. He and my shvigger didn’t have the koach to help, like they had done in the past, when we were all younger. Of course, family and friends checked in on everyone while I was hospitalized, but my daughter and her husband were really the only ones left to call in such an emergency. We explained all that. They were our last call.
Was all this anger because we asked for help, or was there something else we didn’t know about. We asked. No response. We tried family therapy, because this situation is very upsetting to me, my husband, and my other children. The “great guy” didn’t show up for the first session (on Zoom), even though he agreed to therapy. During the second session, he told the therapist that she was a fraud – on Zoom to her face.
And if you ask how my daughter can let this happen? I don’t know. We didn’t raise her to be like this. We have always helped out family and friends. Whenever needed, we were there. It’s just what we did. Maybe she doesn’t want to rock the boat and argue with her husband, or maybe she really does feel this way. I’ve tried calling her, a friend of mine has spoken with her (they live in the same neighborhood).
I called my machateinista and briefly explained, leaving out the emotional parts. She said she knew about the situation, and it sounds terrible, but her son is a married man, an adult, and there isn’t much she can do; and no, she would not speak with him about this. She doesn’t want to get involved with my family politics. I couldn’t believe that she wasn’t willing to even try.
After that, things got worse. Now, I’m limited to one phone call a day with her and my grandchild. She has agreed to therapy sessions and has showed up (on Zoom). But what good is it if her husband isn’t there. It’s almost like she’s under a spell. (And no, we really don’t think there’s any mental, physical, or emotional abuse happening. It’s a long story, but we checked and we are sure of it.).
My question: My second daughter is dating. How do I know we won’t end up with a rotten apple glamoured to be a golden apple? We don’t. We never saw any signs of this hatred and indifference that our first son-in-law now has for us when they dated. He seemed like the perfect guy. The best chasan. My husband and I are so afraid. Yes, we spoke to the shadchan in depth when the shidduch was redt. We looked into all the references, even found references that weren’t on the official list; all they had to say were wonderful things. Nothing to lead my husband and me to even think of the hell we are experiencing now. I research and research everyone my younger daughter is redt to. I go beyond my hishtadlus. We are so scared of this happening again. What could we do to prevent it? Nothing. Because you don’t truly know a person until you live with him or until you inconvenience him a little.
Heartbroken Mother
*****
Thank you for your email, HM.
As I read your email, I became angry, and my heart broke for you. From only the words you wrote: This wonderful yeshivah boy who charmed his way into your daughter and your lives has seemingly turned into a villain. You were hospitalized unexpectedly, and because you had no other choice, you asked your daughter and her husband to come and help, only to hear your son-in-law tell you never to do that again? And the relationship has been extremely fractured ever since. Is that right? You attempted to speak with your son-in-law’s mother only to be met with a dead end. You asked your friend to help out, but that seemingly made matters worse, and you were then “punished” with only contact once a day. You even tried family therapy, but it’s hard to work with someone who doesn’t show up – which is his telling you he does not want to work on this and doesn’t think he said/did anything wrong.
Oyyyyyyy.
I read your letter. I read the actual words you wrote. I noticed that you never referred to him as my son-in-law. He is your “daughter’s husband.” It’s as if you don’t want anything to do with him either, except you are coming from a place of hurt. You feel that just when a family is supposed to come together and help, that is when your son-in-law decided to make his stand and assert boundaries of how “this is gonna go.” Your daughter is now his wife, and he wants boundaries set. That is your family and your problems and really has nothing to do with his family. This boy – yes, boy – took the wrong time to set boundaries and certainly used the wrong words. When a family is in crisis, isn’t that when we are supposed to help the most and not tell them “Don’t call us to help. We won’t be there”? Those are strong words. I, too, wouldn’t be able to sleep or eat and would agonize over this. And I, too, would be worried when it’s time for the next shidduch to be redt. There have been very few instances where I know of where someone actually said to stay away from the person being redt, it wasn’t a good match for whatever the reason, but not because he was cruel and not empathetic to others.
It would show the world how good of a person he was if he stepped up and helped his own family in need instead of turning his back on you. Which is what he essentially did. I literally speak from experience.
HM, you mentioned that you looked into it and you know there isn’t any emotional, physical, verbal abuse in the household. But how do you really know? Organizations like Shalom Task Force and others may help you answer the questions that you really don’t know the answers to. But I can understand why you feel that your daughter, the one you raised and loved, is now not saying anything to try to change her husband’s mind. Or maybe she is, behind the scenes, and it’s not working. There is a lot more to explore there.
But now your younger daughter is dating, and you have fears because of what you’re experiencing from son-in-law #1. You’re correct; you don’t know anyone until you live with him or until you ask him for something that may inconvenience him – only then do you get to see below the surface of his smile. It seems like there was a lot under the first layer.
You mentioned that your son-in-law was in yeshivah: “Is this what the great guy learns in yeshivah?” I highly doubt calling his rebbi would do any good if things got worse after his no-show therapy sessions, your friend speaking with your daughter and his mother refused to help you (not wanting to get in the middle of family politics? Or just thankful he isn’t angry with her? I’m not sure.) But if this young bachur wants to assert himself and be a family onto his own, maybe you should withhold some money if (and that’s a big if) you are helping to support them. He is literally biting the hand that feeds him. Not only is it a lack of kibud av, chutzpah, but also a lack of g’milas chesed, if in fact you have been helping pay for their living expenses. I don’t want to say that this won’t make matters worse, and cutting off or reducing funds may make the matter worse, but how else can you get him to listen? You and your husband are apologizing for doing something you really had no choice to do. (Is this really what set your son-in-law off?) You didn’t want to involve them, but there was one father who had to work, a house of children that needed care for (one child with special needs) a mother suddenly hospitalized for weeks, and other family members were unable to help. If he can’t understand that then I’m not sure anything anyone says will make any difference. I am so sorry.
All I can say, and it isn’t much, is do your hishtadlus with anyone your second daughter is redt to. You won’t know the truth unless it’s out there to be known. And it wasn’t out there with your first son-in-law, from what you were able to gather. We have to daven to Hashem that He knows what is right and what He is doing, and ask for help in choosing a zivug for your daughter and other children.
I know I haven’t solved your problem or even offered much advice, but maybe you’re right. Maybe you needed to vent. If any readers can think of anything that may be able to help repair the relationship between you and your son-in-law and daughter, I will forward all emails to you.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
