There are two ways the situation can go when one twin gets engaged.
Dear Goldy:
My twin sister is a kallah. I’m so happy for her. There isn’t a jealous bone in my body for her. So why is it that I’m getting the pity look from people wishing mazal tov? There’s nothing to pity me for. I’m actively dating. I’m not over the hill, or maybe I am by frum standards. I don’t get why people are making such a big deal. They point out that my “twin” is engaged, but we are fraternal twins. Never looked the same, never overlapped with friends, never really had the same interests, went to different colleges, we moved into separate apartments...and now, all of a sudden, my “twin” is engaged. Funny how she was never my “twin” in everyday conversation before this. I want to throw up every time I hear it. And when I tell people I’m happy for my sister, they look at me and say, “Of course you are...” Almost as if I’m saying I don’t mind coming in second in a race. How can I tell people to just stop it?
Estee
*****
Thanks for the letter, Estee.
I don’t think you have to be a twin to get “the look” from others when they wish you mazal tov on your sister’s engagement. I got the same looks when my sister became a kallah. Every sibling of eligible age gets the look. I also remember getting little pats on the arm and words of reassurance as if I needed it. Their words were unnecessary and ended up backfiring on a couple of people when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I told them they are the ones I feel sorry for, for thinking a 25-year-old is over the hill and needs words of encouragement just to get out of the bed every morning labeled a frum single.
It’s our unfortunate society in which you won’t be able to stop people from giving you the looks or words of encouragement. But keep saying what you’re saying, and doing what you’re doing. Your twin is lucky to have you. There are some twins that are in need of words of encouragement once their other half becomes chasan or kallah. You don’t have to be a twin to be upset. Older and younger single siblings who are in the parshah sometimes slap on the smile, but inside they are crying. They wish they were the one receiving the “mazal tovs” and not the “im yirtzeh Hashem by you’s.” Now, it’s not just a friend who became a chasan/kallah; it’s family. Now they will be hearing about wedding plans and “china patterns” all the time instead of just when they are around their friend. It can be a knife to the heart, or so someone once told me. I can understand their hurt and frustration. But I also know that despite their hurt, they’re happy for their sibling. So, they go through the motions so as not to upset the family or cause a scene.
But not you. You feel the joy for your sister throughout your body and you are able to understand that your time will come. There’s nothing to do about these well-meaning people who think they are helping you (and other siblings) when they aren’t. What can you do? Just smile and nod your head. It’s easier than trying to reason with these people by saying, “I mean how can you possibly be okay? Your twin is engaged and you’re not. You’re in danger of becoming an old maid and now you won’t have a partner to rock in your chair with...” You are a wonderful (twin) sister. Keep doing you and try to put the others out of your mind as best as you can. Their words won’t last long. They’ll end right after sheva brachos.
*****
Dear Goldy:
My birthday is approaching. It’ll be a milestone one. I’m not saying if it’s 40 or 50. I’ll celebrate. It’ll be fine. Except for the fact that my twin brother got engaged a month ago and now it’s just me hanging around as the single son. We always joked we’d be bachelor uncles because we were getting old, and dating was going nowhere. Now, I’m the lonely uncle.
My brother is sensitive to my feelings. I can actually see him holding back what he wants to say sometimes, because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I told him that this is his time. It’s his simchah and needs to be celebrated and I want to share it with him. But let me tell you, the vort was torture to get through, liquid courage helped. I couldn’t stand what people were saying to me. Did they think they were being cute, helpful, understanding? I ended up hanging out with my cousins most of the night, making myself unavailable to others.
I am happy for my brother. But I can’t help feeling like I should be the engaged brother. I never thought I’d be the one left single. I never thought “What if Mo gets married before me?” But now it’s happening. I want to be happy and celebrate with a full heart for my brother. Any ideas?
Twin Brother
*****
Twin Brother, thank you for your email.
I’m close with my sister and felt the same way you felt when she got engaged. But she’s not my twin, so I’m sure your feelings run deeper than mine. I, too, thought my sister and I would be in rocking chairs together in our 80s, but here she was engaged. And I was alone, left behind. I’m sure your brother is sensitive to your feelings. It is also probably hard for him; the two of you are as close as can be, from what I inferred from your letter, and he appears to be holding back some of his “happiness.” He doesn’t want you to feel bad in any way, but with his engagement, there will be moments that are unavoidable.
Your feelings are very normal, not only for a sibling, but as a twin. Anyone you speak with about this, especially your brother, would understand. It may be beneficial to speak with your brother. Who else would better understand you than your twin? I don’t think he’d misunderstand and think that you had some resentment towards him. He’d understand because I’m sure he thought of the same at least a time or two. If you had gotten engaged before him, he may be feeling the same way. You don’t want your brother to hold back from his own happiness and he doesn’t want you to feel left out or behind. You’re both holding back something from each other. Talk it out.
This is part of life. Things don’t stay the same. The world keeps turning and time moves on. I don’t even think mentally preparing yourself for this would have done much good, because what you are feeling now couldn’t have been felt before your brother became a chasan, no matter how much you prepared.
This is a time of simchah for your family. And who would your twin brother want to fully share in his happiness with than his best friend, his twin. Speak with him. I think you will both feel better after it. But the most important thing to know is, what you’re feeling isn’t wrong nor does it make you bitter. You’re human and it’s understandable.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
