Dear Goldy:
I don’t know why, but the last few guys I went out with were more like boys than men. On paper, they all look good. Then we go out and it could go either way: poor table and eating manners but great conversationalist, or vice versa. But once we get to the part of the conversation where we ask each other, “What do you like to do?” or what hobbies you have, their answers are unattractive to me, even childish.
The last guy I went out with loved video games. He said he would be on all night. He had a gaming chair, headset, was a member of a team, etc. I get it. Video games are very realistic with the graphics and audio. Yes, some can be very cool. But at the end of the day, he is playing a video game like Sonic or Mario Bros. Just to sit there imagining him playing for hours on end is not attractive to me. Here you are an adult, working at an adult job, and then spending hours at night or over the weekend playing video games. I half expected him to ask if I wanted to see his baseball card collection. My brothers loved baseball cards and video games when they were much younger. At least with baseball cards, some of them can be worth a nice amount of money.
So, when I told him that playing video games is childish, or at least to me it is, he got offended. He started to talk about the graphics, the story, character development, etc. He almost equated it to reading a book series and imagining the characters and places in my mind (like Lord of the Rings?). I knew I couldn’t be swayed to see his way, and he was not going to give up his gaming, even if a girlfriend asks him to.
What is up with men liking boy activities? Don’t they know it makes them seem less than a man in the eyes of women?
Shana
*****
Thanks for the email, Shana.
I always hated the question, “What are your hobbies?” or what do you like to do in your spare time. Firstly, I never had spare time, and secondly, I didn’t really do anything even when I had the chance to do something. A friend invited me to a cooking class once, so I went. Another friend invited me to a painting class once, so I went. A friend invited me on a nature hike, so I did not go. Sweating, hiking, being out of breath and getting eaten by mosquitos is not my idea of fun in any shape or form. But I didn’t have anything that I did on a consistent basis to be labelled a “hobby.” I read every Shabbos, but what else is there to do on Friday night or Shabbos afternoon?
Shana, you didn’t include what you like to do in your spare time. What’s your hobby/hobbies? Do you attend the ballet or opera? Do you star-gaze? Do you exercise? I’m asking because these activities seem to be those that adults would do. What would be an acceptable answer for you? How can you tell someone that what they like isn’t mature enough for an adult? Are you on the Adult Council of Hobbies? After working a full day, sometimes the only thing that keeps someone going is knowing that when they get home, they can______ in the comfort of their own home. How would you react if you knew that I would choose to watch “Molly of Denali” on PBS in the mornings rather than the Today show. (I guess watching TV can be a hobby, unless sleeping counts, because once you have children, all you want to do is sleep if given the chance.) I bring up Molly in some conversations with my daughter. Molly is cute, has great friends, has artistically beautiful backdrops, teaches us different life lessons, etc. Does this make me immature because I would rather watch adventures of a cartoon character than watch scenes of the war (pick one) or hear about politics? It doesn’t mean I don’t know about those topics, but I can relax watching Molly.
From what you wrote, I don’t know if you paid attention to how the fellow described gaming; but if you did, you would not at all compare it to Sonic from the 1990s. I don’t even think they call it video games anymore. It’s just gaming. It has come a long way, it’s probably a billion-dollar-a-year industry. Sometimes you can’t even tell that you’re watching someone “play” and not actually watching what you think is on TV. It happened once when I walked into my sister’s game room and a football game was on TV. For a few seconds, I didn’t realize my nephew was playing against his friend because the graphics were amazing! You don’t have to be convinced that gaming is something an adult can do, but don’t stand in judgment of something someone else likes to do. Would you like to be judged for something you do? You’d probably brush it off and say “Who cares? He doesn’t get it.” Well, your date is thinking the same thing about you. You don’t “get” it.
It’s not a good habit to make blanket statements like: “You never tell the truth” or make a blanket statement that such hobbies make men less attractive to women. Yes, girlfriends and wives may find it annoying, depending on how much time their man is spending involved in another galaxy/world/reality – but the girlfriends and wives still love them and still think of them as a man despite them gaming. They found a mate. Maybe it’s something you and some others don’t find attractive. And let’s not forget, you don’t have to love everything about the person you choose to be with. You just need to love more of him/her than you don’t like. No one is perfect. So please don’t stand in judgment of someone by saying what they like is childish – if they like it, who are you to say anything? I’m not so sure that if given an ultimatum, the man would choose the woman over gaming. It’s a serious hobby and world. People have broken up over lesser issues.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
