Every year, new words get added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. The new words are usually words that have become popular in the past year and people find themselves saying them quite a bit. These words have now become part of our everyday vernacular. I’ll provide some examples of words slash phrases that were hardly ever spoken waaaaaaay back in the ’80s, or of they were used, they certainly didn’t have the same meanings as they do today. Some new words in our new world are bullying, transparency, my truth, my narrative, triggering, emotional support animal, and safe place.
A few years ago, I began hearing the phrase “safe place.” I was specifically hearing that phrase when college students were finding studying, going to class, or taking exams to be too much. They couldn’t handle the pressure along with everything going on in the world at the same time. I’m not here to judge, I’m just retelling facts that were reported by the news. Some colleges (even high schools) were having “safe places” set up throughout campus. The safe place was where a student who was feeling too pressured, or too anxious, or too_______ (whatever) can go to where they can relax. Some had relaxation chairs, yoga mats, etc., and some just had a chair or couch the individual can sit on and just...chill, until they feel ready to go back to “reality.”
I began hearing the word “triggering” when it had absolutely nothing to do with police or crime. People were having certain reactions to certain phrases that others would use because that phrase means something to them, that may not have anything to do with the conversation. The word/phrase would trigger a memory or something unpleasant that the person didn’t want to think of. Sometimes people were able to deal with the triggering words being used and sometimes they couldn’t; and unfortunately, they would have a reaction to the word or phrase, that the one they are conversing with may find inappropriate, loud, wild, or disturbing. So now people have to be cognizant that what they say, something innocuous and innocent, may be triggering for someone else. So, we (kind of) always have to be on the defensive, ready to apologize, for evoking such a memory when that wasn’t the intention.
Why am I bringing all of this up in a dating column? Because I have found for over the decade-plus that I’ve been writing this column and talking with singles, listening to their stories, or letting them vent: Everyone has triggers and everyone needs a safe place to go when they feel triggered. Dating can be very stressful and not all people deal well with stress. Conversation may lead into each other’s families because they are your home base, your safe place. They are people you feel comfortable talking about and they evoke memories that can make you feel good, thereby letting the conversation flow better. Everyone likes to speak about something or people whom they know. I once had a date talk about how much he enjoyed flying small aircraft on the weekends. I was attentive and listened to all he had to say about the gadgets and switches needing to be turned on or switched before takeoff. I still know nothing about flying, but I noticed that his face lit up and relaxed at the same time while talking about flying. His demeanor changed, he wasn’t as polished when he was talking about flying as when he was talking about his job or car. He said that he loved talking about flying, it was his “passion.” While dating, I had my “safe places” to discuss, as well: My nieces and nephews were one, and some television shows were topics I could talk about for hours that gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.
A few months ago, my son handed me a very small Peppa Pig figurine. I quickly put it in my sweater pocket and forgot about it. It just so happens that weeks later I was feeling a bit unsure of myself at a specific time (It happens; I never said I was Wonder Woman), and when I reached into the pocket of the sweater, I felt Peppa. Instantly, my mouth curved into a smile. The image of my son, with his face covered with chocolate, as it had been earlier that day, popped into my head. For that moment, Peppa was my safe place. I held it, felt better, and I was able to do what had to be done (while holding Peppa in my pocket).
After 9/11 (an event that can be triggering for people), there was a surge in ratings on “Nick at Night.” People were tuning into I Love Lucy reruns more so than they had been in years prior. Why? Lucy brought comfort. She made us remember a time when we were younger, when things were different, and maybe a parent or grandparent toasting a Lender’s bagel, shmearing it with butter, and bringing it to us with a cup of chocolate milk – I’m just saying, that may be a memory for someone while thinking of I Love Lucy. I digress.
The Sesame Street of my childhood is gone. There are new Muppets, the Street is modernized, even Big Bird’s voice is different. I miss Bob, Maria, Gordon. I can’t find Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on television anymore. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood sort of took its place. Daniel, a character that Fred Rogers brought to life in the Land of Make Believe, now has his own show. It’s like Mr. Rogers, but it’s not the same. Sometimes I sing, “It’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive. It’s such a happy feeling, you’re growing inside...” It’s the son Mr. Rogers ended all of his shows with. It gives me the warm fuzzies.
What is the generation dating today, or will be dating in the next few years, holding dear to them that they can think of it or touch, when they feel anxious or shy on a date? Where is the safe place they can go to, to calm themselves down? Yes, you can always excuse yourself to go to the restroom to throw some water on your face, do some deep breathing, etc. But if you’re in a car or some place without a bathroom (they exist; I found out the hard way), what are you supposed to do? For this, I called my niece who is single and in the parshah, and I called a single friend of mine. I asked them both the same question: What do you do in a situation when you feel pressured or anxious on a date, meaning: What is your go-to way to calm down.
My niece (who is very much like me) said that she thinks of her bed. She looooves her bed, like all 20-year-olds do. But she has two huge stuffed animals, some would call body pillows. She said that she thinks of her bed and snuggling up with her favorite plushie and it instantly calms her down. I totally understood what she meant (just ask my kids who Rubin and Tugboat are). One of her dolls is the adorable dog Bluey. She – yes, Bluey is a she – is a very cute dog that lives with her parents and younger sister in Australia, and the cartoons are very relatable in today’s world, and they have those cute Australian accents. Sometimes I watch Bluey (with my son, of course) and I sit on the couch and smile. I do the Bluey dance when the show comes on, and then I sit down and watch a family that reminds me of mine when I was younger.
I was watching an episode of The Kelly Clarkson Show and the woman who voices the character of Bluey’s mum was a guest. She spoke about how 20- and 30-year-olds approach her and tell her that they tune into Bluey when they want to shut out the real world for a few minutes – when being an adult gets to be too much. She said many have told her that Bluey is their safe space. And there is nothing wrong with that! Do whatever you need to do in order to find balance, a sense of calm, to forget the pressures of work, school, your friends, the rent, or the car payment. So, when my niece told me she thinks of her life-size Bluey doll, I completely understood.
My friend is a little older than my niece, but her answer wasn’t far from the one my niece provided. My friend is a speech therapist in the public school system. She works with children under seven years old. Since she’s been dating for decades, she doesn’t really have the nervous, anxious, pressured moments; but when something is not going right, she thinks of Molly of Denali. Molly who?? Yes, a PBS show about Molly Mabray, an Alaska Native girl who learns about Indigenous traditions through travels around the state and encounters with its people. I have also learned a bit of how to get by, living outside the greater 48 states; bartering/trading with others, using only what you must and not wasting because you can’t run to the local Target to restock every week. Since that’s what the children “are into,” she finds herself talking to them about it and singing the theme song. On dates, my friend will hum the tune to herself if she is about to lose her cool because she doesn’t like what her date said or did – or just doesn’t like her date. Molly is my friend’s safe place – or emotional support song for those moments. I actually like Molly, too. As I tell my daughter, who disagrees with me: “Molly is good people.”
My message for this article may have gotten lost in the mix, but let me weave back to the beginning, so it comes together. Everyone needs something or someone to go to when they are anxious, stressed, or feeling triggered by something. It doesn’t matter what it is that makes you feel better. It doesn’t matter that they are cartoons; Bluey and Molly help my niece, and my friend (and me) overcome those tough moments. I still carry Peppa Pig in my pocket. I like to hold it when I’m in line in a store and I feel the line is moving too slowly. It doesn’t matter what your safe place or emotional support thought/figuring or animal is (within reason). When dating gets stressful – and it will – take a breath and think of whatever makes you happy. Let yourself calm down. Taking a moment for yourself isn’t anything to be worried or embarrassed about. If you aren’t in tip-top condition, how can you be there to help and support others. You are Patient Zero. Start with yourself.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
