Dear Goldy:
I’m sure that I know what you’ll respond, but it doesn’t hurt to ask:
My father’s first cousin is an Emmy- and Grammy-winning actor. I won’t mention her name, but most of your readers probably know who she is. She’s been in TV shows, recorded an album, been on Hulu and Netflix movie/ shows, etc. And the follow-up answer I will give is: We aren’t very close. My father is close with his brother (her father) and her siblings, and I guess you can say that my siblings and I are sort of close to them, but they don’t come to Chanukah or Purim parties. They live out of state, but not in California. We mostly FaceTime and WhatsApp with the family. She does chime in from time to time on the WhatsApp group.
The last time I saw my cousin was when she came to my sister’s vort two years ago. She was filming something in Manhattan, so she was nearby, and made an effort to come in a wig and face prosthetics. She only stayed a little while. We appreciated it. It was so nice that she came. But we didn’t see her after that. No coming down to the set to watch her film. No “going to lunch.”
Only my close friends know that I’m related to my cousin. We don’t spread it, for many reasons. But when I was on my last two dates with two different guys, they steered the conversation towards the Hulu series she was recently on. They didn’t come right out and say that they knew or thought I was related to her, but there was a lot of alluding to and wondering about... To shut down the conversation, all I ever say in a conversation like this is, “She’s a cousin, but I haven’t seen or spoken with her for over a decade. I know as much about her as you do.” It’s a sort of lie, but it works.
Forget about how two guys in a row found out; and, yes, I confronted the shadchan who set me up with both: “I don’t know how you found out about who I’m related to, but I date for me. For a husband for me. Not for a cousin I don’t know and never see.” I didn’t come out and say, “Don’t say that ______ is my cousin,” because I don’t know for sure if the info came from her, but all roads point to it.
But it is 2024, and the Internet and social media are everywhere. I’m sure there are people Googling her and looking up personal information. What I’m saying is, it may get out sooner rather than later that we are related. I’m not embarrassed of her or what she does, but how will I know that guys will want to date me for me and not because they may get the chance to meet her – although I still say we aren’t in touch, and we haven’t seen each other in years. But there will always be one person who may have that in the back of their mind if they find out and are redt a shidduch to me (or my siblings or other frum cousins.)
I don’t mind the lying, but it’s not right. I want to marry a husband who loves me, has eyes only for me, and wants to spend his life with me. Yeah, he may see her a couple of times and may WhatsApp with her once or twice, but it’s I who is looking for a husband (definitely not her.)
“Sarah”
*****
Thank you for your email, “Sarah.”
I chose to publish your email because it’s a kind of out-of-the-box email I receive. Every once in a while, I get an email regarding an “issue” that I’ve never come across before. I hope you don’t mind, but this will be one of my lighthearted, but still serious, responses.
We’re all related to someone, right? We all have “that cousin/aunt/uncle,” and we all have frum and non-frum family relations. One of your non-frum relations happens to be someone in the entertainment industry who many may like to meet/get to know. I don’t have Hulu or Netflix, but truthfully, unless your cousin is a Housewife on Bravo, I wouldn’t be interested (don’t judge me!). I used to think it was bad to have non-frum family members. As a ten-year-old, I would be embarrassed if a friend of mine met a cousin my age and her parents. I was worried, what will they think? Maybe they’ll think I’m also not frum. But I hope we all have graduated from that.
I knew someone who was somehow distantly related to George Burns. I only found this out after I had known the person for years and only because she said she was going to one of his shows and had backstage passes. Did this make me want to cuddle up to my “new best friend,” so I could get close to one of the greatest comedians who ever lived? No. But it was cool to learn about.
And let’s not forget the Maza family of Kew Gardens Hills. We all know who Jackie Mason’s siblings were, but did that make you want to become members of Rabbi Maza (zt”l) shul?
It’s an insult to compare George Burns and Jackie Mason, entertainers when entertainment was something the whole family could enjoy together, to people who become famous because she/he/it records themself while applying make up in the morning and have two million followers. I’m sure your cousin is an actor that is actually an actor. Winning Emmys and Grammys and being nominated for other awards is no small feat. I will trust that even I would know who your cousin is, even if she isn’t a Housewife and I’m not “up on the latest” Hulu, Netflix, or any streaming service.
But as I’ve always said, you are married to your spouse, not your spouse’s parents, sibling, etc., and certainly not their cousin. Meaning if your spouses’ family members rub you the wrong way or vice versa, concentrate on your spouse and only the handful of times you spend around that particular family member.
You’re right. Anyone can find out anything about anyone with the Internet today. But usually, you have to be on the hunt for the info first. If someone isn’t a fan or stalker (G-d forbid) of your cousin and hasn’t done their research, then I doubt your name will pop up. I wonder how the shadchan found out, if you and your family keep the relationship secretive. I also wonder what good that information would serve by telling it to men you’re being redt to?
People love to gossip. It’s true. And they love to be the one to “break the news” or say, “Didn’t you know...?” They love the look of surprise on the other person’s face when the information is shared. But then what? Okay. You’re related. But you don’t have a relationship or keep up with her, as you say. She could be as close to you as that person is with Margret Thatcher. Does it get them anywhere in life? Does it mean anything in life? No. But we have to accept that people want to be close to a celebrity for the chance of claiming notoriety or sharing in what they have.
You know my response: As soon as your cousin or any project of hers is brought up in a conversation, there it is. The cat’s out of the bag and now you can tell if it’s just curiosity or gossiphounds. If your cousin is brought up in conversation during the first few dates, I would be suspicious, especially if the fellow doesn’t stop asking questions once you make your statement – then you have your answer. But if it doesn’t work its way into conversation and eventually you are the one to say, “By the way, I’m a cousin to____,” then it’s because you feel this person could be your bashert and will be part of the family soon. Yes, it’s natural for anyone to have a question or two about your cousin, but you can tell when the questions are from someone just curious or someone who is excited to be within six degrees of your cousin (a reference to the game six degrees from Kevin Bacon. Google it after Shabbos if you don’t know about it, but it’s a lot like Jewish Geography.)
You mentioned your family What’s App group. I’m sure your other cousins have the same “issue.” I won’t call it a problem. Ask how they handle it, what has served them best in the past when word gets out?
Whoever you do end up marrying, Sarah, will love you for you and not for a chance to maybe see your cousin at a family function or to have her respond to a DM sent to her. He will only have eyes and ears and interest in you and love you for who you are, not who his part of the family tree is.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
