Dear Goldy:
I’ve been dating someone. He’s a good catch. He’s well mannered, speaks well, always asks my opinion, he calls when he says he will, etc. A friend dated him, and one of my mother’s friend’s daughters did. I spoke with my friend and the other girl when the shidduch was redt. My friend had great things to say about him, except that he was the one to end their relationship a few weeks into it. She was disappointed. The ex-wife didn’t really say anything. I tried, because I wanted to know who I would be getting myself involved with, but she really didn’t give me anything. It was so frustrating.
I’m just worried, because what she said about him wasn’t said with a smile. The divorce was eight years ago. Something terrible must have happened because they had two children. The family is broken up. But from what I’ve heard from my friend and from what I’ve experienced, I can’t imagine what could have been so bad to cause a divorce. I want to go into this with my eyes wide open. When is it a good time to ask what happened that caused his divorce? How do I know that the guy I’m dating is a good guy and that this isn’t some facade he’s putting on?
This would be my first marriage and I hope my only one. It’s important to know certain things about who you date. And this is bothering me. He’s spoken to me about his kids, friends, family, etc. It all sounds normal, but the unknown is what’s bothering me.
Shoshana
*****
Thank you for your email, Shoshana.
Your email had me a little confused while reading it. I thought it was going one way but then made a left turn during the second paragraph. There can be a number of reasons why his ex-wife didn’t want to speak about him to you. Firstly, you aren’t close to her, and you’re asking her a very personal question. There may be an agreement that neither speaks about the other. I have heard of divorced and previously engaged couples signing confidentiality papers.
Just a quick note before I get started with my actual response. People can catch. Catch is a verb. You can catch a ball, a fish, a cold. I hate it when people refer to others as objects or verbs. You are dating a person. This is the general you, not just for Shoshana. You date for marriage, and you date adults, but not necessarily mature adults. It bothers me when someone says, “I dated a boy/girl” or “The girl/boy my son went out with...” It just rubs me the wrong way. Anyone can say whatever they want, but we date men and women. I fully understand when you meant, “I think he’s a good catch.” But there were other bits of the letter that made it sound like you weren’t dating a person, but rather a pet. He has manners, is well spoken: Those aren’t exactly adjectives one would use for someone she really likes.
This may sound mean, but what makes you think you have any right to know what happened in his marriage to cause the divorce, to break up his family? You mentioned that the divorce happened eight years ago. Eight years is a long time, and people can change during that time. Whatever happened then caused one or both of them to ask for a divorce. His ex-wife is not you. You don’t share her feelings and experiences, so even if you did know, you may just think, “Well that’s a stupid reason” or you may think, “How could he do that? I feel so bad for her.” Only when you’ve walked ten miles in someone’s shoes can you know what they feel. And you still won’t really know. What affects one person one way may not affect another at all! Of course what the ex-wife told you wasn’t attached to a smile – they got a divorce!
Your friend and the other girl had a nice time with him? Great. You’re having a good time with him? Great. Keep going until there is a reason for a red flag to go up. If the relationship turns serious and marriage may be in both of your futures, that would be the right time to broach the subject. But I’m sure he’s thought of this – that when he decides to get serious with another woman, the topic of his divorce will probably come up. He may be prepared to speak about it. Of course everyone has his own spin on things, so he doesn’t come out looking like “the bad guy.” Not that there is a bad guy here. Sometimes people grow apart and can’t live together anymore. There doesn’t have to be one bad catalyst or a buildup of catalysts that caused the breakup. And, again, I wouldn’t ask his ex-wife anything about it. You are not her; you are not dating the husband that she had eight years ago. You are dating someone who was previously married, who may have grown and changed in the years that have passed – or not. I don’t really know.
Basically, what I’m saying is that you do not have a right to know any details about his divorce (except if there was abuse involved) before you get to a very serious stage in the relationship. The man you are dating treats you well, you find him attractive, he has a nice personality – go with what you know. As time passes, he may bring up the divorce himself, because I’m sure he has thought, “I bet she wants to know why I got a divorce.” Anyone with half a brain would think that. Let him tell you when he is ready. It may be a hard topic to discuss, or not. I really can’t say. I also can’t say how long you have been dating him, because your letter didn’t allude to it. For all I know, you could have been on three dates; and if that’s the case, then you certainly don’t need or deserve details (again, as long as there wasn’t any abuse involved. I do believe if there was abuse, any type of abuse, a prospective new date or new Mrs./ Mr. has a right to know beforehand, so they can judge how they want to proceed or if they want to proceed.)
Shoshana, that’s basically all I have to say. I don’t want to keep writing the same answer different ways just to fill space. If the relationship turns serious, then broach the subject; but if he has seichel, he will talk to you about it before you have to bring it up. And if you have not been dating him for “a while,” then you don’t have a right to know. Enjoy the time you have with him, but I like that you are trying to go into a new situation with your eyes wide open about things. There are just some things you don’t have a right to know yet or at all. This is advice for everyone.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
