Dear Goldy,
I usually get set up by friends or shadchanim, professional or non-professional. Just like most people in the frum world, I don’t get the chance to meet men, so I rely on others to help me out. Most of the time, it’s someone I know or someone who considers themselves a shadchan. Personally, I don’t care. If you think you know someone who may be a match for me, I don’t care who you are. Step up and tell me about him.
I’m going to make this short: A while ago, a friend of a friend called. She knew someone… and we ended up going out on a date. I had a nice time, even some fun. We laughed and had a lot in common. The next morning, the “shadchan” called and told me that he had a good time and wanted to go out again. We went out and had a nice time. After he dropped me off, before I went to bed, he texted, wishing me sweet dreams. I went to sleep happy. The next morning, while commuting to work, I texted him, “Had a great time last night as well as sweet dreams. When can we go out again?” I didn’t receive a response by the time I got to work, and then my day got busy. After work, I looked and saw he didn’t respond. Now it was about six hours later. Maybe he had a busy day, too. So I texted again, “Hope you had a good day at work.” That’s it. Just a simple sentence. I didn’t want to ask when we could talk or go out because I asked that in the morning. I didn’t want to seem desperate. I also didn’t think anything was wrong with me texting him. Usually, I don’t text guys like this so quickly, other than if I’m running late for a date, because I consider texting to be on a different level than first or second dates. I could be wrong, but that’s me. But he texted me the night before, wishing me sweet dreams after what I would consider a great date. So why shouldn’t I text him?
A little later, the woman who set us up called and said that she just got off the phone with him, and he said that I was coming on strong and it made him feel uncomfortable. She continued to say that we had only been out twice and he was feeling like I took it to another level very quickly because I never called her to tell her about the date and I went straight to him. What? I was genuinely confused. I told her the date was great and that he texted me after the date, wishing me sweet dreams. In my book, him texting me a couple of hours after we saw each other and wishing me sweet dreams means he had a good time and wants to see me again. And now he’s uncomfortable because I was confident enough to text him back? And to text him that I wanted to go out again? Isn’t this what we’re doing? Dating? As you get to know someone and feel comfortable with them, you drop your guard, let them in, and so when he texted me, I thought we were getting to that point. I told her this and pointed out that because he texted me directly, I didn’t think I had to call her with a report in the morning, but I was planning on calling her later that evening. She said she understood but guessed that he had never had a woman text him such a direct question so soon after starting to date him. Why did he wish me sweet dreams? To me, dreams are personal. He crossed that street first, so I followed suit, or so I thought. She said that the second text made him nervous because he had never answered my first and was planning on doing that, but in his own time. What did that mean? She said she didn’t know. So only he’s allowed to text? And he put rules on texting but didn’t tell me about the rules?
We are both in our upper twenties. I’m not playing games. If I like someone, I’m not ashamed to say so. I didn’t tell him I love him. I don’t know him! All I asked was when we could see each other again, which I thought he would want because he texted me a nice message after our date. He didn’t have to text anything, but he did. I thought what I did was fine. After this woman spoke with him and called me back the next day, she said that he had never been asked out by a woman before and was surprised I made the first move. He didn’t know what my intentions were… What? All I did was ask him when we could go out again! The shadchan said she was just relaying the message and told him that no woman wants to wait around until the guy decides he’s ready to call or text, and so I was the type who texted back… Nothing wrong with that. I’m not apologizing for that, and the shadchan told him that. He told her he needed a day to let it sink in because this was very modern for him, and he’s not used to it and doesn’t want to get involved too quickly. Again, What?
We dated. He texted. I texted back the next day, and then many hours later, I texted an unrelated sentence to him. I did not profess my love or even “like” of him. I was being a human being and asked if he wanted to go out. If he didn’t like me, then don’t text me after a date. If he doesn’t want me to text him so soon in a relationship, then don’t text me. I was just following his lead. Why is he making this complicated? He needs time to think? It’s making me rethink him.
Sarala
Thank you for your email, Sarala.
I clapped for you when I read that you texted him the next morning and asked him out. Nothing is wrong with that, in my book. You had two dates with him, and he texted you sweet dreams, which I, too, feel is a little on the personal side. He could have texted, “Have a good night,” or he didn’t have to text at all, but once he mentions dreams… For me, he’s interested in you.
One of the things I hate when dealing with dating/shidduchim is when people say that they’re serious and want to date, have a relationship, get married, and hate it when people act immature or aren’t serious… but when something “real” happens or something happens that doesn’t go according to their plan… You can’t plan! You plan, G-d laughs, right? Well, it counts for dating, too. Just because he wasn’t prepared for you to text back asking him out again or to, G-d forbid, follow that up hours later asking how his day was, not demanding, “Why didn’t you answer me?” or re-asking him out, now he needs a minute to think? But it was fine for him to text you? This is not football!! There is no playbook!! Grow up! Go with the flow! From what and how you wrote, I believe the shadchan was on your side and found his reasoning odd.
The shadchan said that he, let’s name him Moshe, was going to respond to your first text in his own time. What does that mean? That night? The next day? He doesn’t have to answer it within the first ten minutes or the first hour, but planning when to respond? That’s something a teenager would do or someone new to dating, and Moshe and you don’t sound like either.
I remember there was one time, and only one time, when I asked a fellow I was dating out again. We were past the fourth or fifth date, and by the way, you can drop the shadchan or talk to each other whenever you want. No playbook, remember? But I had a great time on the date. I was also 30. A big girl. Time to take action if I wanted to cross the finish line, right? Also, nothing ventured, nothing gained. He agreed to another date. It wasn’t Mr. Krantz, so it didn’t end well. But the fellow I dated told the shadchan he was impressed that I was confident and mature enough to ask him out. That hadn’t happened to him before, and he was taken a little off-guard, but that’s part of what attracted him to me, my confidence and the fact that I took a chance.
Sarala, all you did “wrong” was throw Moshe off his game. You took control of the ball, and he wasn’t ready for that. If he’s the mature man whom you dated twice, he should need a second to recover (like the fellow I dated) and move on. He doesn’t want things getting serious so soon? Great. Let him tell you that so you can tell him, “I asked you out. That’s it. Let’s see where it goes. There’s no diabolical plan.”
Grow up or step away from the table. Ain’t nobody got time for games if they’re tryin’ to get married.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
