We hope that our loved ones date and marry someone who is a good, caring person – someone who will love and appreciate them for the rest of their lives. It would also be an added plus if the spouse got along with the rest of the family. Many times, while “researching” a shidduch, one will ask about “his/her family.” You’ll find out about siblings and whom they married – and always it’s “They are a great family,” but you never really find out about the family dynamics.
Let’s not forget the date I went on when I was told “his family is great. His grandmother lives with them. He has three siblings...” All sounded fine. Looking back, I see that I should have asked about the relationship he had with his family. Almost as soon as the date began, he badmouthed his parents and made fun of his older sister (why she was still single, bragged about how he pranks his grandmother who was diagnosed with dementia, etc.). When I told this to the shadchan, she brushed it off, saying, “Yeah, he’s like that. But you just have to know him. It’s not that bad.” I didn’t get to know him. This was a one-and-done date.
In this email, a sister (along with her family) is worried about her youngest sister, who is dating someone with no family connection, which worries them.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I’m writing on behalf of my parents and siblings. My youngest sister is in the shidduch world. The reason why I’m writing you for all of us is because we all have a funny feeling about the guy she’s dating now.
On paper, he sounds great. He has a good education and a good job, he’s good-looking, etc., which my sister confirmed. So far, they have gone on four dates. But we worry because, when my mother asked about his family (which we knew from his profile: His mother was niftar, he has no siblings and his father remarried), she said that he was vague and general. He spoke more about good friends than he did his father or stepmother (and her children). I know his father remarried when he was a teenager, so it’s not like he doesn’t know them. My mother asked my sister about his closeness with family because we as a family are very close. And we don’t want someone for her who can’t understand our closeness and love: that it’s foreign to him, that he doesn’t know how to act or react or may pull her away. You have written that people want to marry someone who will get along with their siblings and spouses. Well, we’re worried. We don’t want my sister to turn a blind eye to something this important that may affect her and all of us.
You may think I’m jumping the gun because they’ve only been out four times (probably five by the time this is published, if you publish it), but we think she should know about his familial relationships. It’s good that he has friends and a chavrusa, but you can tell a lot about a person by his relationship with his family: if they fight all the time, cut off communication, speak all the time, etc. We don’t want her just seeing hearts and flowers in her future and it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. I know you say that you marry a person, and the family comes along but isn’t really a part of your everyday life, but they kind of are. We are.
What do you think we should do?
Concerned Sister & Family
*****
Thank you for your email, Sissy (it’s what I called my sister until I was five).
The fact that you and your family care so much about your sister and who she dates and eventually ends up marrying speaks volumes about the way your parents raised all of you and the tight bond you all have. Nothing is wrong with being concerned if whoever she married will like all of you and fit right in. But you can’t worry about something that is out of your control.
There is a difference between not talking about family and talking about them.
Let me first write that family dynamics is very complicated. No two families are alike. I took a course on family dynamics in graduate school. I loved that course: lots of role playing, lots of scenarios, lots of emotions. There is no right answer to anything because (as I’ve said many times) humans need relationships and with relationships come emotions. Emotions can be a minefield trying to navigate. And let’s not forget, you’re not dealing with one person’s emotions and opinions, but rather several people. Everyone plays a role in “the family unit,” and everyone must be treated as an individual but an individual as part of a whole. There are several approaches as to how to deal with family dynamics, but I’m not teaching a course here. Sissy, I need you to understand that you may not be able to grasp why this man seems to be distant or cut off from his family because of the type of family you have. It sounds like you grew up as a member of the Waltons or Brady Bunch and that’s great. But for someone who had an opposite childhood experience and family, he has his own feelings and opinions about “family,” which you can’t say are wrong or right because emotions are subjective.
I open a can of worms when I ask you (and all the readers): Do you like your parents/in-laws? All of them? Do they annoy you? Were some born without seichel? Do you sometimes wish you didn’t have to deal with them and the anger or frustration that comes along with them? From your letter, all I know is that this fellow’s mother died, and he doesn’t speak of any of his steps, or much of his father. What if he didn’t like whom his father married or when his father married her (maybe too soon after his mother died, I don’t know), then that can contribute to dysfunction, as well. Maybe he didn’t grow up with his stepmom or her children. What if he went to yeshivah at 15 and never really lived at home for long periods of time after that? He never really got to know them or maybe he didn’t want to get to know them. Maybe he likes to keep his personal life very private until the right person comes along, and dating someone four times doesn’t mean he feels that he can share intimate details of his life with this person.
I remember when my husband and I announced our engagement at work. Every woman in the building asked in shock, “You’re marrying Mr. “Krantz”? It was almost as if they were questioning me as to why. Here I am Chatty Kathy. I shared everything with everyone, and no one knew anything about my husband’s personal life, not even the men in his department. I answered, “No, I’m marrying Shlomo, not Mr. Krantz.” Mr. Krantz turns into Shlomo once he leaves the building – a whole different person. My husband never brought his personal life to work. He kept his head down and did his job. He didn’t share cute stories about anything. The first real conversation I had with him was when we spoke at a Shabbaton we both attended. Maybe that can help answer some of your questions.
You wrote that the fellow spoke of friends. Just by reading that, I know that this man can form bonds with others and can care for others. I know a few people who don’t get along with their parents or siblings but think of their friends and their friends’ families as their own because they are so tight-knit. Don’t take the fact that he doesn’t speak of his family much or at all to mean he hates them and banished them from his world. You need more facts. But...
It is for your sister to delve into this topic with him and not you or your family. I understand you only want what’s best for her, but you also want what’s best for the family. It’s best if she married a friendly, outgoing guy who calls his parents and siblings a couple of times a week. This guy must do what’s good for him and it’s up to your sister to decide what to do – when she knows all the facts. I know someone who is married to someone who didn’t communicate with his family for almost a decade! Seriously. Some “stupid” disagreement, I was told. But now, everyone is back in each other’s lives, and they get along now.
Sissy, trust your sister to do what’s right for her and give her some credit. If something felt very off with this fellow, I’m sure she would have or will pick up on it and deal with the matter herself.
Hazlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
