My family spent the first days of Sukkos at a hotel. We had a very nice time. During our two-day stay, I became “fast friends” with the woman sitting at the table near ours, who also happened to be rooming on the same floor as us. She and I had nothing in common, except that we were married and had children. But we found, or rather she found, what to speak about. And her topic of choice was shidduchim. I can’t blame her; she has two sons in the parshah. And no, I did not tell her I wrote a book or currently write a weekly dating column.
To tell you the truth, I forgot her name, but I’ll refer to her as Tzippy in this article. We first met in the lobby. She saw me tending to my seven- and four-year-old and reminisced about the time when all she wanted was a five-minute break from her own children. I only smiled. I guess she found that as a segway to, “My children are in the parshah now.” Perhaps she was telling me to cherish the moments with my children now, because before I know it, they will be grown up and arguing with me about shidduchim. Because that’s what it felt like. Tzippy has four children, all sons. Her eldest is 21 and her second oldest is 20, “both on different paths,” as she told me.
Her oldest son is still in yeshivah and planned to be there for a few more years. He had gone out a few times, but nothing felt right, “not even going out.” He told his parents he wanted to learn more, and when he felt ready for dating, then he’d date. The 20-year-old is managing his time between yeshivah, college, and working; he is chomping at the bit to date. Tzippy said she found it ridiculous for her second son to even consider dating if his older brother doesn’t even want to date. I asked what was ridiculous about that? Why hold one back because of an unrelated reason that his brother has about his own choices? Tzippy laughed nervously and went on to explain to me that her family is not chasidish, yeshivish, Litvish. Her husband wears a simple black hat. They have simple jobs. I had no idea where she was taking this conversation. She wasn’t answering my question; she was giving over a narrative of her family. I stopped her. “Okay. Your category is a good Jewish family. Your second son is of age and wants to date. Does he have the means to date and to take care of a wife, should he marry?” I was really asking if he has any money saved up? Yes, yes, her son has been saving and has worked in the same company for a couple of years and eventually plans on working there full time after he graduates. Okay. I still wasn’t seeing the issue, and now I acted as if my son, running around the corner in the lobby, was a huge deal, and so I had to follow him, trying to escape her. But wouldn’t you know, Tzippy followed.
In some families, the rule is the children must get married in the order of their birth. I asked her if this was the case, because it was the only thing I was able to think of with the encyclopedia of information she was telling me. I hit the nail on the head. “How will it look if my 20-year-old begins dating and (let’s say) gets married when his older brother isn’t even dating. It will make it look like there is something wrong with the older brother, which will ruin his resume or people will wonder what they are hiding about her son.” OMG. Here, a stranger is trying to discuss her children’s issues with shidduchim, which I didn’t agree with and couldn’t relate to. She wouldn’t leave me alone about it. I tried avoiding her in the lobby; but in the sukkah, I had no choice – she was at the table next to us. Plenty of women and families were staying in the hotel with teenage and older singles. Why was I the lucky one she chose, and was unable to shake, even when I began to fuss over my son (which really confused my daughter). I’m not a helicopter mom, but here I was hovering and fussing over my son (something that would have given me the message to leave this woman alone).
Every time I saw her, Tzippy kept saying how her family “isn’t like that.” They don’t follow rules of chasidish or Litvish families, but they were worried about her second son making her oldest son look bad or defective in the eyes of shadchanim. I told her all the “Goldy” lines I could think of: “Does it really matter what others think? You know the truth. But I guess it does matter what people think because you are holding your second son back – even if it’s not for the “going in order” reason. It’s still a reason. You’re still doing it. I asked if she and her husband had this conversation with her two oldest sons and how the younger one took it. How his older brother’s decision, which is a decision he made for himself, is now affecting his life? If the older son didn’t date for a year or more, are they holding their younger son back for so long?
Why did I have to open my mouth? Why couldn’t I say, “I’m sorry, can’t relate to dating. Just mastered potty training here,” and walk away? I should have. Because Tzippy told me how much she and her husband anguished over this decision, how they only want the best for each son, but for one to succeed when one is failing to thrive? They wouldn’t be good parents then. They mentioned the topic to their sons, and in time the second son went along with the plan. WHAT? You “mentioned” this with your sons already, and now you’re literally asking a complete stranger, who can’t relate, if it was a good decision? What does “mentioning this” even mean? Did she have an open discussion with her sons? She said they did speak about it and her younger son was fine with it for now. What does “for now” mean? How long will he be “fine” with it? Six months, a year? And, yes, I realize, it isn’t for me to understand or even agree with what Tzippy and her husband decided, but she came to me with this issue more than once. She wanted an opinion, so I spoke my mind.
To be honest, I saw both sons, plus the other sons. They (all) had a very different look, and I’m sure they aren’t even looking for the same type of girl (I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to know any more about this family) so Tzippy would be dealing with two types of shadchanim and two types of girls. That’s what really got me. They are fishing in two different lakes. And I doubt the shadchanim would say, “There’s something up with that older son she’s hiding from me. Who would want to put dating on hold? It’s everyone’s dream to date. What’s she hiding?” And if they do ask that, do you really want to be dealing with someone like that anyway?
Tzippy still spoke to me after I finally told her what I thought of her plan. But I tried to get her to understand that she has to listen to her children and do what’s best for all in each situation individually. If her oldest son didn’t want to date, that’s fine for him. But if the younger son wanted to date and has a life plan, then why hold him back because of his brother? (Besides the fact that I thought her reasoning for worry was off base. People would think her older son is “defective”?) What’s good for one brother isn’t good for another. Each child must be treated separately and uniquely regarding shidduchim. Don’t batch them all together. They aren’t a gaggle of geese that follow one another when it’s time to fly south. They are real people with lives to live and build. What if the younger son ended up resenting his parents because they made him wait? What if he thought he lost the chance with a young woman he really wanted to date all because of this. Her solution was only going to lead to problems, at least in my opinion – which is what she asked for, time and time again.
As I’ve always said, don’t ask people their opinion if you made a decision. Everyone’s opinion will make you dizzy. Make a choice/decision and live with it. If you don’t like the results, change the decision. And don’t bring strangers into family matters. That will only muddy up the pot. My takeaway lesson from this: Next time someone approaches me and I see the conversation going south, I will insist that I have to take my son or myself to the bathroom and then disappear for a while.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
