Dear Goldy:
I am one of the last of my friends to remain single. I used to go with friends to singles events. But in the last year or so, I attended them alone. I see familiar faces – of both genders. I smile, nod my head, and make small talk with other regulars, but there is something that really bothers me. I’m finding that women come in groups and stay in their own groups at events, whether it’s an evening/afternoon event or a Shabbaton. The Shabbatons are worse. When singles are supposed to mix and get to know new people, the women stick with their group – not just a group of women, but with male friends mixed in, as well. It’s almost as if they went away for a weekend and are choosing to hang out with just themselves, not getting to know new people, aka men, at the same singles event, which defeats the whole purpose!
I realize that I wrote that I used to attend events with friends. But we didn’t stick exclusively with each other. Two of my friends met their wives at events. We were always wingmen for each other, but we never closed ranks, not allowing men or women in to talk to us. I find it obnoxious when it’s time for the s’udah and groups of friends run to reserve tables for their friends. They go so far as to take chairs from other tables to accommodate their group at another table. And if that isn’t bad enough, while they all sit together, not letting anyone new in “the seat/table is taken,” it’s as if they take over the meal and their laughter and z’miros can be heard throughout the dining room. Sometimes they bring their own food (cholent, desserts) that they share only among themselves. Of course, others join in with singing, it’s all leibedik in the end; but acting like they are at a private party at a restaurant is rude to the rest of us. You don’t want to let anyone into your select group? Stay home or go to a regular hotel, not to a singles event where others are looking to interact with you. I spoke with one of the organizers of a Shabbaton, asking why they allow this, not encouraging them to spread out. I was told “they paid their fee.” As if that’s an excuse. It’s your event, encourage people to do what they are there to do.
What are your feelings?
Betzalel J.
*****
Thank you for your email, Betzalel.
I understand exactly what you are saying. I attended a few Shabbatons where there were groups of friends who didn’t look beyond their own circle at others attending the event. They saved tables and chairs for each other. I, too, felt that they should’ve booked a hotel or just stayed at home inviting each other over for the meals. What was the point of paying the fee of the Shabbaton, a couple of hundred dollars in some cases, to just stick with friends?
Like you, I attended events with friends. I had my own “wingmen.” But we divided and conquered. We did have a “sign” that signaled to the other if one of us needed rescuing, but for the most part we mixed and mingled. I find it a waste of time (for others not included in the clique) to even try to approach someone from the friends group. What I saw was that they were simply not interested in getting to know others. Which is really a shame. Why be closed off when you’re at an event to meet new people.
At one Shabbaton, I saw someone I knew sitting with another girl at a table right before the Friday night s’udah. I approached her with my friend. We made small talk, and as we did so, I put my hand on a chair next to where she was sitting. Silly me. I thought I’d sit next to someone I knew at a meal. No sooner had my hand touched the chair when this girl’s friend spat out, “The chair’s taken. The whole table is taken.” She really couldn’t have said it faster or in a ruder way. Not a note of apology in her tone. Fine with me. My friend and I moved on to find another table, although the other singles sitting at the table at which we ended up were more than a decade older than us. We made a new friend that night, so I can thank my “acquaintance” for sending me on my way, because I never would have met someone that I still keep in touch with: a sweet, genuine, fun-loving man, who’s very down to earth and very real and whom any woman would be lucky to call her own. We still text/speak with each other a few times a year. But meeting him does not negate or “call it even” the method in which we were pushed away from the table.
Betzalel, the only thing I can do is agree with you. There are many who go to events with friends and stick with them, even icing out others who try to approach or get to know them. Attending a singles event on your own is hard. I’ve done it a few times and I know how alone it can make a person feel – you have an inner conversation with yourself hoping no one else sees your lips moving, thinking you’re crazy. It takes more than confidence to approach a stranger (male or female) to strike up a conversation. But I’m going to tell you what I truly believe, and it may be something that any mother would say: Let them stay amongst themselves and not be open to meeting people and see where that gets them. They will miss out on the chance to meet you and others like you. They will miss out on having the chance to spend time and get to know someone whom they may click with, have a lot in common with, be the ying to their yang, and all because they didn’t venture out of their circle; they simply moved with their circle to a new location – and spent money doing so. So, keep on moving, Betzalel; there’s nothing to see here, just some people who think they are too cool for school. It’s a shame that they are cutting their noses to spite their face – at a singles event, but not open to meeting new people. I hope that if it is at a Shabbaton, they don’t close themselves off for the entire Shabbos. At least you know whom to avoid and you get a glimpse into who they are, should you ever meet them again in some other setting.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
