Dating Today

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article that contained the phrase “present year.” That phrase has garnered a lot of attention. It was an unfamiliar term to me. When I asked for clarification, I was told (by my niece and her friend, both in the dating parshah) that the “present year” is the year before a husband/chasan attends school, goes to work…after he finishes the year or two, or whatever was agreed upon, of learning. This is the husband giving all of himself to his wife. She gets all of his attention and love, he helps out wherever necessary, they can travel. It is a year dedicated to the wife because it is felt that when the husband does attend school/go to work, he will not be able to spend as much time or attention on his wife, and she shouldn’t feel like she doesn’t matter because he is too busy to sit down for a three-course dinner or take a drive to a nice park to have a picnic.

Teens and young adults are always coming up with new vernacular that takes us “old fuddy-duddies” to figure out. Take, for instance, “bro code” or “girl code.” The terms refer to the unspoken rules of how you should treat friends in all situations. Some examples of “bro code” are: Have your bro’s back, no matter what; you must respect your bro in all conditions – his house, his parents, his girlfriend, and, most important of all, his car. Some examples of “girl code” are: Don’t hate on girls you don’t know; be honest when your girlfriend asks how she looks. Basically, abiding by the codes isn’t hard – it’s just nonofficial rules made official of how to be a good friend.

People fall in love with people, not titles – I have always said that. But sometimes the title or position the person has only makes him or her more appealing to you. His or her personality counts just as much. If you like someone who has an alpha-type of personality, what happens if there is a change or a shift in life and that alpha personality goes away for a bit? The person you love is still there, but the drive, determination, and overall gestalt of the person that was one of the attributes that led you to love him in the first place is gone. Let’s say, for example, that depression sets in. What can you do? Now the person isn’t the same go-getter Type A personality you are attracted to. How can you get that drive and personality back? Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let time play out and be supportive.

In the last issue, I published an email from a young woman named Tzipora who thought that she was in the driver’s seat of a relationship (if you can call six dates a relationship, because I have no idea what they spoke about or did during these dates). And as reality usually does, it differed from the fantasy of the dating and married life that Tzipora had always imagined for herself. The fellow she was dating, whom I will refer to as Danny, said that he does like her and has asked her to make a decision. He plans on learning for a year after marriage, then giving his wife a year as a “present,” because he plans to attend medical school, which will take up much (if not all) of his time for the next decade or so.

No real introduction is needed to this email. I have been where this woman has been and it’s not a happy place. I’m sure most of us can relate.

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Some say that the more things change, the more things remain the same. In some aspects of life, I agree; in others, I obviously don’t. People can debate if it applies to dating. Yes, dating is, at its roots, the same and will always be the same; but as time moves on, dating changes. Over the first days of Sukkos, someone in my family mentioned dates at the airport, and my nieces looked as if they had eaten the actual fish head on Rosh HaShanah (disgusted). “Airports? What are you supposed to do at the airport? Watch planes take off?” Very simply they were answered, “Yes.” Well, to say that my father and some cousins “got schooled” in what dating in today’s world actually means is an understatement. Even if people were allowed to wander around an airport nowadays, I don’t know how many couples you would be able to spot on dates. New, flashy, fusion, excitement – that’s what many are looking for when they date. I’m no fuddy-duddy. I hear what goes on and what couples do. Do I necessarily agree that you need constant excitement and “new” on every date? No. How can you get to the important things that matter – someone’s hashkafah – when you are busy painting and sipping, ax-throwing, petting dogs in a pet shop, etc.