If there’s one thing people enjoy about a Friday Purim, it’s complaining about it.
As far as complaining, Friday Purim ranks up there with Shabbos Yom Kippur, Thursday night Motzoei Pesach, and a 3-day Yom Tov where the second day is Simchas Torah.
But what are people complaining about? It’s not the fast. The fast is on Thursday, like it seems to be every year. Taanis Esther is almost always on a Thursday, somehow. Science has not figured this out.
No, it’s about the lack of time during the day. We’re supposed to eat most of the seudah before 1, and people like doing their deliveries before the seudah, because they get drunk at the seudah, and then they can’t drive. Alternatively, they don’t drink as much, then they take a nap, and then they wake up right before Shabbos and say, “Um… Did we cook for Shabbos, though?”
If you think this is tough, Yerushalayim has a Purim Meshulash, which is a 3-day Purim. Would you rather have a 3-day Purim, or a half-day Purim?
The answer to that is 100% dependent on what stage of life you’re in.
That said, I think we should embrace the differences of this year with these tips for surviving the half-day Purim. It’s impossible to do all of these tips (especially in the time given), so do whichever ones work for you:
- This might be controversial, but this year, I would say to maybe go minimal on your Purim. Hashem is giving you a built-in excuse not to give everyone you know this year, because half the people you know aren’t going to want your food on a Friday anyway. On top of this, every year, every rav is screaming from the rooftops, “You only have to give one person!” The whole rest of the year the rabbis are all about going above and beyond with your chesed. They’re never like, “Stop giving so much tzedakah! It might cause stress in your home!” But he says this because everyone feels like they have to give their rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn’t eat at anybody’s house, so I don’t know what exactly you think you’re going to give him that he’ll eat. And this year, Hashem himself is saying, “Don’t give so many people,” and the day of the week is saying, “Don’t give so many people,” and still your problem that you want me to solve here is that you don’t have time to give so many people. But I guess you want tips either way, because we’re going to have another Friday Purim in just 20 short years.
- The Gemara offers an idea that you start your Purim seudah right before Shabbos, and then, when Shabbos starts, you cover everything with a second tablecloth I guess, make kiddush, and continue your seudah. But don’t do this unless you ask a rav, because I’m not sure when exactly you’re supposed to daven Maariv. After you get drunk? What time is this minyan, and are there any in my area?
- Stay up all Thursday night. You can’t do any of the mitzvos of Purim, but you can definitely cook.
- You can also take your Shabbos shower in middle of the night. And then all that will be left to do before Shabbos, after all the mitzvos of Purim, is to take your much-needed post-Purim shower, and you’re done!
- Figure out if there’s a way that you can drink a certain amount at night until you’re just on the edge of being inebriated enough, and then, as soon as it becomes daytime, you drink that last part, and you’re there. If you don’t know how much drinking does this for you, you should practice a bunch of times before Purim with different amounts of alcohol. V’tov l’hachmir bazeh.
- I would also advise giving out your mishloach manos in middle of the night. You really only have to give out one during the day, so there’s no reason the rest can’t be given out at night. For one thing, traffic is better! Just ring people’s doorbells at 4 in the morning, and they will be really appreciative to you for giving them this idea! (“There’s a pirate at the door.” “And you’re… What are you? An old-timey grandpa?” “These are my pajamas.” “Okay…”)
- This is also when you should be sending your bochurim collecting.
- At the end of the night, daven k’vasikin, then start your deliveries, if you haven’t done so already. Many of your friends will be at shul, so that’s the perfect time. They can find you later. Yes, Purim is about getting together and seeing other people, but – and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this – other people make things take more time.
- Once you’re doing early morning deliveries and no one’s opening their doors anyway, you can take your mishloach manos delivery cues from your paperboy.
- When buying food for Purim, do not forget to buy food for Shabbos at the same time. Also, everyone you know is going to give you a Shabbos-themed mishloach manos. So you’re going to have double food for Shabbos. So maybe don’t buy any food for Shabbos. But then with your luck, no one will give you a Shabbos theme. And we all know that Purim is the holiday of luck.
- It’s very nice of your friends to assume that you forgot Shabbos was coming.
- Put your costume on under your Shabbos clothing so you can rip your Shabbos clothes off in shul right after megillah and start your deliveries. Maybe put a second suit on under the costume so you can do the same thing right before Shabbos.
- Don’t deal with costumes and makeup in the morning. Have your kids sleep in their costumes. You can wash their pillows on Motzaei Shabbos.
- For just this year, don’t choose any costumes that make it hard to get in and out of the car.
- Encourage your kids to wear costumes that would be appropriate for Shabbos as well, such as -- for boys -- Mordechai Hatzaddik, a magician, and a fancy waiter; and for girls, Queen Esther, a mommy, or a kallah.
- Try giving people this year based more on geography than on friendship or perspective business clientele. If you have no neighbors that you like, then at least select people who are neighbors of each other.
- Sit down before you leave and map out the most efficient driving route. As soon as you print out your route, someone on the route will show up at your door and give you mishloach manos. Sit back down, rework the route, and print it again, and someone else will show up at your door, and so on, until you’re left with a barebones route of maybe seven people who live in different zip codes.
- When it comes to teachers, don’t wait for your kids to go into the house, stand in line to take pictures with the teacher, and come back out. Instead, drop them off outside and come back later, while your next kid is in his teacher’s house. Also maybe have pictures of your child in costume printed out beforehand so that when their morahs say, “We have to get a picture!” you can just hand them the photograph and get a move on.
- The key to mishloach manos is the shliach. So the day before Purim, deliver all your packages to the next-door neighbors of the people you actually want to give, with instructions to deliver them on Purim. Along with maybe a tip. (The going rate is a dollar.) This will cut picture times as well. (“And this is your teacher with her neighbor, and our mishloach manos!”)
- Don’t do the regifting thing this year. No one has time to wait on your doorstep while you mix and match.
- If you leave one or two mishloach manos packages out on your doorstep, people will assume you’re not home and just leave theirs there too.
- Some people might think that a good way to save time is to do the seudah yourself at home with just your immediate family, but that means you have to cook, eat, and deliver mishloach manos. If you eat with another family, whichever one of you is cooking is already being yotzeh mishloach manos.
- Alternatively, you can do pot luck, and then everyone is yotzeh mishloach manos, as long as everyone doesn’t just sit there and eat the food they themselves brought. Everyone has to keep an eye on each other: “You didn’t eat my thing!”
- Instead of an elaborate 3-course seudah, put it all in a blender. That way it looks the same going down as it does coming back up.
- You know how they say that you don’t really have to get drunk – you can just drink a little more than usual and then go to sleep and you’re yotzeh? I wonder if maybe there’s a heter here that you don’t really have to have a whole big seudah – you just eat a little more than usual and take a nap. Unfortunately, “a little more than usual” might be more than a seudah. On the other hand, it’s Friday, so any meal at all might be more than usual. Your seudah can be you and your family noshing on the cholent while standing around the crock pot.
- Whatever you do to save time, do not drive drunk, people! Also, do not drive drunk people. Unless it’s their car.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
