Warner Bros., teaming up with Disney and Universal for the largest multi-studio production ever seen, has announced that they will be tackling the grand life and supreme accomplishments of Congressman George Santos. With a proposed budget of $400 million, this joint venture dwarfs other blockbusters like Avatar and The Avengers.

“Not since Forrest Gump have we had a subject this entrenched in American history,” says the producers of the film. “When we pitched the story to the major studios, the execs’ eyes just lit up. Instead of going through a bidding war, we decided to team up for the most important story ever told.”

The announcement came at the World Economic Forum, where Santos himself was a co-founder and co-Executive Chairman with Klauss Schwab. Marching onto the stage to resounding applause was Steven Spielberg, Christopher Nolan, Jerry Bruckheimer, and the ghosts of Don Simpson and John Hughes. “To tell this story,” said Spielberg, “we needed a production crew as accomplished as the subject himself.”

The crowd screamed and chanted as the producers simulcast their announcement to both the United Nations and Comic-Con, appearing as holograms in those venues with technology that Santos himself invented. There was a 20-minute standing ovation for the man who would play George Santos on the big screen – Jonah Hill.

“Hill has the intelligence, charisma, and force of will to take on this incredible figure,” Nolan said in his remarks. “Not since Batman himself did I see such an embodiment of strength, grit, and magnetism. Hill, during screen tests, was like combining the best of Bale, Affleck, Pattinson, and Keaton in one.

Hill gave an exclusive interview with the Queens Jewish Link about approaching this role. “I’ve played an undercover cop, baseball genius, Wall Street guru, and many more roles in my incredible career,” he said, “but it all pales in comparison with this daunting task. I feel like this is what Charlton Heston must’ve felt like when he was asked to play Moses. How do you fill those shoes?”

While a script is still being finalized, the rumored drafts top over 400 pages, approximately triple the normal length of a Hollywood feature. “We were going to make it a trilogy,” Bruckheimer said, “but depriving the audience of this story by spreading out these movies would be a crime against humanity on a par with human trafficking. So, we’re working with cinemas to prep them for the approximately eight-hour runtime of this film.”

The story will begin at the beginning, the evolutionary track from single-celled organisms billions of years ago through the ancestors of George Santos that led to the creation of the world’s most famous human. The studios have hired thousands of people working on tracking and researching every aspect of Santos’s history. Hill commented a bit on the process so far. “You thought CNN and The New York Times were obsessed with this guy? You ain’t seen nothing. Every one of your readers should expect a phone call.”

AMC, Regal, and all other domestic and international box offices are excited at this opportunity, hoping that this will finally revitalize the theater industry in the post-COVID era. “Top Gun: Maverick was a good start,” said a spokesperson for AMC, “but we are projecting the Santos story to be the first film to earn $3 billion at the box office.

That may be underselling it, as a whopping 100% of adults surveyed said they would see this film in theaters. Gallup polling has never seen such numbers. “The public is clamoring to know who this guy is,” Gallup said, “where he came from, what motivated him, and how he created such an empire.”

Santos himself could not be reached for comment.

By Marvin B. Simchah