The Yeshiva of Central Queens recently launched a new podcast called “Y.C.Q Answered, Your Children’s Questions - Answered!” Each episode will feature different members of the YCQ family and administration discussing the challenges and opportunities of raising Jewish children in the 21st century.
The first episode kicked off with a conversation about “When Can I Get a Phone?” and Responsible Technology Use. The episode featured a lively discussion between Dr. Elana Dumont, the Director of Psychological Services l, and Rabbi Stephen Knapp, the Junior High School Principal, and was hosted by Yossi Zimilover, YCQ’s Director of Communications.
An excerpt of the conversation is printed below. Visit ycqweb.com/podcast to listen to the whole episode or search for “YCQ Answered” on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
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Yossi Zimilover: “Mommy, Daddy, I want a phone. Everyone else in my class has one. When can I get a phone?” How do we go about talking to children about that? Why, yes? Why, no? It’s probably going to happen at a certain age. How do we do that safely and responsibly?
Rabbi Stephen Knapp: I like to give the kids a mashal, a little bit of an example here. So I ask the kids in the Junior High School, how many of you have a driver’s license?
Of course, none of them do, because society has said in its research that only at a certain age, when the mind is developed is it really appropriate to have a driver’s license.
We would never let a child drive a car. It’s too dangerous. So too, we have to ask that same question about a cell phone. A cell phone is fine by itself, it’s not the issue. But if it gives you so much access to things that could be so dangerous beyond one’s imagination, why would we give it out to a child and expose them to that danger without going through that process, training the child?
Maybe a slow rollout. You can have certain apps only initially, and then maybe with someone else by one side. When it comes to driving, there are very, very strict rules about what hours a child can drive, when a child is getting a license for the first time, how many passengers can be in the car with the driver. Because we know there’s a tendency among teenagers when they’re with groups of kids to make decisions that are far less than the most healthy ones. So I think we should take the same approach to cell phones. And the longer we can wait, the better.
Yossi Zimilover: I also love that analogy, that mashal, and I think it’s also worth pointing out that eventually, teenagers do get a driver’s license and then become adults with a car and a driver’s license. I drive to work every day. There are plenty of dangerous adults out there on the road. And I think we also need to make sure as adults that we’re using our own phones responsibly and not hurting ourselves or hurting other people.
Dr. Elana Dumont: The longer the better, 100%. And another thing that I will often ask parents is to think about how their child manages social relationships offline. So face to face in person, in school, on a playdate in the house, what are their conflict resolution skills like? Because however they are, it is going to be magnified and way more impulsive when once they have access to a device.
And, while I agree with the later, the better, I do want to validate that there is a risk of your child becoming socially isolated if everyone gets a phone and your family rule is to wait until whatever age. While I agree with maintaining your family boundaries and rules, I also think that there is a need to balance what the repercussions would be for a child who is maybe the only one without a certain app.
And then, if the decision is made that now is the time we’re giving you the phone, we’re giving you access, there should be an understanding that parents have full access to monitor anything that their kids are doing, not because we don’t trust them, but I always say this to kids and I say this to parents that the frontal lobe of the brain is really not fully developed until you’re a young adult. And that’s really the area that we use to make decisions and use our judgment. And we have to expect mistakes, like you just said.
Even adults are going to make mistakes, we get into car accidents. And if we go into it with no room for error here, then we’re setting them up for failure. So if they know that we’re monitoring because our job is to keep them safe as the adults in their life, then I think it takes on a different framework of being able to partner with them on helping them make good decisions.
