One of the clearest things I’ve learned as an adult is this: No one cares if you’re tired.
Adults’ default setting is “tired”. There are two kinds of adults: The kind who fall asleep as their head is falling toward the pillow, and the kind that lie in bed for hours getting mad at each one of their pillows individually. And they always marry each other.
And which way is better? I don’t know. Because you’re always claiming to be tired, and your spouse is always claiming to be tired. I mean, part of that is that the key to a happy marriage is to never let your spouse know if you’ve had a good night’s sleep, but in general, you’re probably both tired.
Your spouse definitely doesn’t care that you’re tired. If you tell them how tired you are, they’re just going to tell you how tired they are, like it’s a contest where the winner gets to go to sleep, and the loser has to be both parents for the rest of the day.
And if your own spouse doesn’t care, neither does anyone else, and you can tell because it’s not like their advice is actually designed to help you at all.
“You should be getting more sleep!” they say.
Wow! How’d you think of that? Huh. Should I be writing this down?
It’s like if you complain to people that you’re broke, and they say, “You should get more money!”
“Oh yeah! Huh.”
90% of being a financial consultant is just repeating that line.
And anyway, you’ve gotten more sleep once or twice, and it hasn’t helped.
“No!” they say, “You have to get more sleep on a regular basis.”
That’s what you meant? I don’t have time to get more sleep on a regular basis. I can do it like once or twice tops, and then I fall behind on work. Should I just quit my job? Then I’ll get plenty of sleep. Well, not plenty. I’ll probably be woken up every time someone drives over my bridge.
So then what do I want from them, right?
I want to know how to be less tired without spending more time in bed, I guess. There’s not really a way to do that. You can try drinking coffee, but that doesn’t make you less tired, it just makes you feel less tired.
“I don’t care. That’s what less tired means. No?”
Also, sometimes the coffee doesn’t work, and then you drink a second cup. Because it didn’t work the first time, so let’s try again. Maybe I drank it wrong. But if you drink too much coffee, you can overshoot your bedtime, and then you’re tired the next day. So coffee can cause as many problems as it solves unless it’s administered by a professional anesthesiologist. If he messes up, he can always give you something else to balance it out.
And then some people focus on the routine aspect of sleeping. “You need a routine,” they say. “Try to have a regular bedtime, and then stick to that bedtime.”
Well, my regular bedtime is not going to be earlier. If you’d like me to make it later, I have time to do that. I don’t go to bed late by choice. If you’re saying that instead of going to bed at 1 AM on some nights and at 3 AM on others, I should go to bed at 3 every night and I’ll be more rested, I will 100% try that. I mean, Friday night is going to be a little bit of a sacrifice that I have to stay up that late, but, you know, I’m willing to do what I need to do.
Because none of these people take into account: What if you have work deadlines?
“Oh, so then finish it in the morning,” they say. “Wake up early.”
Ok, so I have to go to the bed at the same time every day, but I can wake up early? How is that a routine? And it’s not like I haven’t tried that. Lots of times I’ve been tired at night and trying to push myself, and I’ve decided that “Maybe I should go to bed now and then I’ll be wide awake during the day! I’ll finish it then!” I will not. First of all, if I’m going to bed early because I’m more tired than usual, then I’m not going to wake up earlier than I normally wake up. I’ve already lost. Also, when I stay up late, I’m awake at first, and then I gradually get more and more tired until I can’t function. But if I wake up early to work and I start off tired, I’m not going to gradually get less and less tired until the time I normally wake up and then I’ll be fine the rest of the day.
So clearly, no one’s going to give you usable advice here, and you’re totally on your own. Fortunately, I have a thought. I was up nights figuring this out.
So it might not be coherent.
The thing is that whenever you say you don’t have time to work out, everyone’s actually helpful:
“Oh, you can get 2 minutes in here and there.”
“Oh, you can work out while you’re doing housework.”
“You can work out at your desk.”
Well, I don’t get enough sleep, so should I do that? Sleep during housework? Sleep at my desk? I mean, you try to get two minutes here or there – at a shiur, at the Shabbos table, on Friday nights on the couch – and everyone makes fun of you. Does anyone make fun of you for working out at weird times? Maybe.
And it’s not just exercise. When it comes to learning too, if you don’t really have time for a seder, everyone says, “Get a minute in here and there. Learn on the train, at your desk, while doing housework…” Everyone knows someone who made a siyum that way. Usually someone’s grandfather who’s been doing it since he was 20. But do we know anyone who caught up on sleep that way?
Though do we actually know anyone who got into shape that way?
So I say that we should do this with sleep. For example, my mesivta students do this. I guess they hear about it all morning in regards to learning, and they learn plenty, so instead they apply it to sleep. And I know this because they do it during my class.
So I say we should live by this philosophy. As Rabbi Yehuda Hanasi said, “Me talmidai yoser mikulam.”
But when do we do this? I already learn and work out while I’m doing housework. I can’t sleep then too.
Though what if I slept while working out? There’s no reason I need my eyes open during pushups. Maybe during jumping jacks. But for anything where I’m on the floor, I can really just close my eyes.
The main issue is that sleeping at random times is not as socially acceptable as learning or working out. You actually get into trouble for being asleep. It’s all accusatory: “Were you asleep just now?”
“No! No!” you say, while trying to make your voice sound lower-pitched so it doesn’t sound like they just woke you up. The second no is lower, and you hope they didn’t notice the first no.
And there are definitely times of the day that you can get your 2-3 minutes in.
- For example, if you wake up at 7:27 and you have to get up at 7:30, go back to sleep! 3 minutes is 3 minutes. And if you wake up early so you can check your phone in bed, do that with one eye so that the other eye can get some extra sleep.
- If you have to get up for something in middle of the night, keep your eyes closed. You keep your eyes closed anyway if you’re trying to continue the dream you’ve been having.
- If you have a job that you can mamesh do with your eyes closed, mamesh do that. Except maybe bus driver. Like right now, I’m typing with my eyes closed. Sure, I’m probably making spelling mistakes, but I can go back afterward and catch them, and that will be quicker than keeping my eyes open the entire time that I’m working. The only annoying thing is when I realize afterward that I wasn’t sitting squarely in front of my keyboard and have been off by one letter to the right for an entire article.
- You can also be one of those people who sleep on the bus or train, though that requires a certain amount of confidence that they know that they’re not going to miss their stop. Or they figure that if they do miss their stop, they’re getting more sleep, so win-win! And if their wife says, “Hey, you’re home late,” they can just say, “I don’t know; the train took forever.” I mean you can learn on the train, right? Though you can’t really work out on the train. Though actually, you could -- you just put a hat out in front of you, and people will give you money.
- When you’re at the doctor, while you’re waiting for him to come in, you can fall asleep on that paper they put down. Just leave a note for him to start the exam without waking you. Blood pressure particularly. That will get you some nice numbers.
“But what about sleep cycles?” you ask. “Isn’t sleep less effective if you wake up in middle of a cycle?” Sleep cycles are made up. They might exist, but workout cycles long enough to shvitz are more effective and learning sedarim long enough to cover entire sugyos at once are more effective. You do what you can.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
