What do you wish for more than anything? Could it be a sense of security, soundness, and safety? Did your life goals include a relationship, house, or career that would usher in a sense of peace and harmony? Do you believe in Happily Ever After? You know what they say: Happily Ever After is not a fairytale. It’s a choice.
You might even have all that you dreamed of, yet you still fret, no matter how successful you may be. The truth is that humans can never be totally secure, because in this life there is always risk, and at times, even danger. Of course, we envision and pray for a time when we will no longer suffer or stress.
What did you imagine would bring total happiness and serenity? Was it having a family, your career, or possibly even retirement? You know it’s been said: The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. Then again, some folks need to retire from retirement. But seriously, none of those can adequately shelter, shield, or safeguard us permanently, my friends.
Many of us seek answers in the esoteric and spiritual realm, as well. Indeed, there are no guarantees, and all we truly have is our journey. It is perfectly fine to have longings and ambitions, so long as you maintain a level of detachment from the results.
You may imagine that your neighbor has reached nirvana, but he too has qualms and feels uneasy more often than you think. Speaking of which, it’s been said: The Joneses don’t deserve your attention. Ironically, we must accept that we humans can never be definitively calm, composed, and collected.
There is a difference between trying to banish anxiety entirely and learning to manage it and live fully despite it. Perhaps your classmate did exceptionally well on her exams. Your best friend graduated with honors. Well, you know what they say: Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Your neighbor has a thriving business. She’s out running, after eating a healthful breakfast in her oh-so-wealthy neighborhood. And there you are wearing Nikes and you “Just can’t do it.” I know, I’m also still waiting for that “runner’s high.” You know you’re a runner when you have more patience running over an hour than you do waiting in line at Walmart for five minutes.
It may rarely occur to you that despite the fact that these are clearly successful people, they may never feel as though they can truly be themselves. Oftentimes, for high achievers it feels as though nothing is ever enough.
Some may have an insatiable doubt as to how acceptable they really are. They may be unable to relax, always fretting about something they may have forgotten to take care of. Your respect for his achievements should not rob you of your ability to assess the cost to him and his loved ones.
Many are driven from a sense that they must clothe themselves in the garments of wealth to hide their true selves. Indeed, it’s been mused: People are living longer than ever before – a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. Ever hear of intaxication? It’s euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with. Heck, all I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
The real problem is not his lack of money, but the belief that he actually needed so much of it. We have a collective delusion in our culture that worships fame and fortune. We are so envious of prosperous people. We convince ourselves that those good-looking ones and the titans of success who are opulent, powerful people are so utterly satisfied in life. If an affluent person is tripped up by a reversal of fortune, he may actually see how his success may have been masking his underlying belief in his unlovability.
Sometimes we can’t seem to find anything to quell the pain or restlessness within us. As my doctor said: Never give up; if they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can surely make something out of you. Sheesh. But truly, please stop asking yourself: Why, When, and Where. Ask: What can I do right now? Do not imagine all of the ways things may go wrong.
Let her know that she has your attention when she becomes anxious. Simply tell him that you are listening. Ask loved ones and friends: What can I do to help you? Practice healthy habits and make good choices, sweet friends. Do not mindlessly embrace toxic narratives. Above all, do what matters most.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
