Do people do things to you that defy the common-sense view of how others should behave around people they actually claim to care about? Would you not expect family or friends to show you compassion and even tenderness? You know what they say: Family – where life begins and the laundry never ends. Then again, nothing brings a family together quite like a Wi-Fi outage.
But truly, the tragic fact is that our loved ones can be beset with feelings that are so intolerable that they end up being cruel even to those they claim to have regard for.
In the hope of alleviating our own suffering, we oftentimes make our closest friends and family suffer. In the worst-case scenario, you might do to someone else a horrible thing that was once done to you. You may act mean or even spiteful at times.
We humans do all sorts of things to alleviate feeling disappointed or perceived failure. When we feel uncontrolled anger or powerlessness, we may disrespect our loved ones. We imagine this will lessen our overwhelming feelings.
Needless to say, this does not work. If this was done to you, you can end up feeling unlovable at times. Do you ever get an empty feeling inside when you do not receive love from the one you need it from most? Then again, it’s been said: Cherish your family. They’re the only ones who will still love you after seeing you in your pajamas for a week straight. You know, some families put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
If you explore why you may feel unlovable, you can begin to finally heal. Whether we like it or not, sweet friends, we are all wired to need connection. If your needs as a child were met with indifference, you can feel utterly rejected and simply withdraw.
Are you afraid to need or even to want someone? Perhaps you feel that reaching out to others just causes pain. Your past can distort all your perceptions.
What do you tell yourself about yourself? Did someone make you feel unlovable through their words or actions? You know what they say: People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they’re likely to cause. Perhaps you had a teacher who implied or told you that you won’t amount to anything.
Quite possibly, you feel shameful about a mistake you made that you regret. Maybe you are remorseful about something you didn’t do. If you feel that you are only cherishable if you meet someone else’s standards, you can end up feeling deficient and not good enough.
Careful of the language you use, sweet friends. It doesn’t take much to make someone feel unworthy. You can feel terribly inadequate if you do not meet the cultural expectations. Do you make enough money? You know you’re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity. Does your body meet the relentless demands of the culture? Not to brag or anything, but I got a high score on my scale today.
But seriously, you can conceivably feel like a burden if you are emotional and require a great deal of support at times. Food, shelter, and water may be a basic human need, but so is love, sweet friends. Make friends with yourself first and foremost.
Let perceived insults go, and do not identify with the verdict of your enemies. If a relationship becomes abusive, you may have to leave. But do not be rigidly self-righteous. Admit when you are wrong or guilty, please. As they say: You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
Ask for what you deserve. I am certain that you make genuine contributions in this life. It’s healthy to look into the dark corners of your mind at times. Valuable lessons oftentimes come in painful guises.
Do not internalize your pain or act out in anger. Take seriously the thought that not everyone is aiming at you. You can handle your financial trouble or that wound from your latest relationship.
You are wired for emotional growth and development. Seek out healthy connections and learn corrective self-expression. Share with trusted friends the real you. Seek to gain the contents of your mind and give a voice to your true feelings.
Is there anyone you truly see eye to eye with? Remember, there is no need to always see eye to eye as long as you see heart to heart. Are you growing emotionally with your mate or best friend? If not, you may become anxious or overwhelmingly depressed. Create opportunities for transformation and evolution.
Begin the journey into yourself. You are worth it. And by all means, give yourself all the love you may have never received.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
