Ever feel like you’re on a roller coaster and can’t seem to get off? Oh, and do not ask the person next to you if they finished the repair on the roller coaster yet. Remember, it’s not the ride; it’s who you’re riding with.
You hate your job but feel the need to stay. Then again, it’s been said: The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. You may be in a highly toxic friendship but refuse to break up. You can start out in a love relationship feeling as though you’re in a romantic comedy film. You share so many interests. There is a potent, profound feeling of affection for one another.
You may have been love-bombed with attention or even admiration at first. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, you begin to feel devalued or even looked down on. Over time, your boss became more critical and less responsive. Maybe your boss is a travel agent for guilt trips. You were on top of the world, and now you’ve taken a plunge.
When you feel anxious or agitated, you must reach out to trusted friends for emotional support, sweet friends. Things will improve. Listen to your brain as well as your heart. Do not blame yourself or make excuses for the bad behavior of those around you.
Break free. It can be paralyzing, but you do indeed deserve a better job or relationship. You need courage to take the first steps toward change. Nurture your self-esteem. What part of you got lost along the way?
Base your choices on your character, not your emotions. If you allow your feelings to get the best of you, you will most likely make poor decisions. Take the time to assess the situation or relationship. Allow your moral values and principles to take the lead in your life.
Goals take time and effort to accomplish. Please be patient with yourself and others. Keep your commitments and push through feelings of inevitable frustration. Learn to actively listen. You may think you are adding value to the conversation, but listening will remind you how much you have to learn from her.
Work on humility as well. Do not put your success above his. You can be proud of your achievements, but even you do not have all the answers. Step back and know that all your actions have consequences for you and others.
Do you hold yourself accountable? Do you admit when you are wrong? Know that her bad behavior at times comes down to fear or anxiety. Loosen your hold on self-righteousness. Things are not as black and white as they seem at first.
Articulate your thoughts and feelings calmly and clearly, please. But do not bring up heated issues unless you and your friend are well-rested and have some food in your system. Then again, it’s been said: Carrots are a great thing to eat when you’re hungry and want to stay that way. They say that if G-d wanted us to follow recipes, He wouldn’t have given us grandmothers. But seriously, lower your expectations. It’s been said: Life gets a lot easier if you stop expecting orange juice from apples.
Believe it or not, most of us feel just as lost as you do at times. Some are just so out of their depth and are struggling with their own negative emotions. He may have unresolved anger from his past.
Small things have a huge influence on your state of mind—like not getting enough sleep, being hungry, or having something troubling on your mind. I know. You stayed up all night trying to remember if you have amnesia or insomnia. Hey, I got a new pillow, but I’m not sure if I like it. I’m going to sleep on it. But truly, do not store up your bad feelings for hours or days on end.
If you don’t control your mind, someone else will. Pivot toward an appreciation of what is good enough in your life. You may have to lose some idealism and belief in perfectionism. He may be messy but truly creative as well. Every weakness can have a corresponding strength. Look for it. What went well today?
None of us look that great from close up. Be okay with who you have become. We may be difficult to live with as well. Forgive yourself, please, for some of your self-absorption. Make peace with yourself.
Do not live in too much proximity to your issues or problems. Sure, your past will color your reactions to events and to him as well. But trust your intuition, sweet friends. You can become a truly cherished friend by sharing your vulnerability with her.
Work on your own grass. That way, you won’t even notice if theirs is any greener. Or as they say: “Embrace the glorious mess that you are.”
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
