Are you still jumping through those hoops and doing mental gymnastics to make a particular someone see your worth? Are you the poster child for simply not feeling good enough? No, no. Please know your own worth; then add tax. Perhaps you are perennially trying to be adequate, all right, and up to snuff for others. You may need to intentionally stop your brain from beating yourself up. Beat your goals up instead.

Chances are that you got a tad angry or jealous when you heard about his recent success, or her 20-pound weight loss. You just ate four boxes of thin mints. But you’re not feeling thin at all? And you think you just ate your willpower. Well, you know what they say: The toughest part of any diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

Perhaps you’re simply counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. You feel like life has given others advantages over you. What exactly do you think you should have that you are missing? Do you need to simply let go? If not, what can you do to move on?

Ponder your goals. Still wishing for the body you had in high school? Hustle for that muscle, eh? Listen, I just got a half hour of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from my kitchen floor. After five years together, you somehow expect the novelty of a brand new relationship. Don’t you wish there was an online dating website for people who hate online dating? Please don’t set yourself up for failure. Ninety percent of all disappointments come from unrealistic expectations. If a book about failure doesn’t sell, was it a success? Hmm.

Then again, perhaps you are not challenging yourself enough. Can you remember the last time you made a bold and brave choice? How do you prove to yourself that you have what it takes, and are capable of being trusted?

Many of us have grown up with a skewed sense of self. It could be that your parents had unrealistic standards for you, or you may have been falsely blamed for something. Just think: Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. Do you feel there was a role assigned to you in your family? Chronic guilt or shame can haunt us all the way into adulthood.

Are you looking at others through a lens of compassion and understanding, or jealousy and judgment? Focus on progress, not perfection. Slow progress is better than no progress. Can you tell me something wonderful or unique about yourself?

If that negative, self-deprecating thought just slipped in, remember: It is not serving you. If you had to bet, would you say there is more right than wrong with you? I know, it’s only a gambling problem, if you’re losing. Did you know that last year people won more than a billion dollars gambling? Casinos made 25 billion by just being around those people. You know what they say: There’s an easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune. Go there with a large one.

With a negative mindset, every day can be a minefield for “not good enough” moments. You just had a heated political discussion, then scrolled through her Instagram account, and had a tiff with your best friend. Now your mind is weaving its way through an array of thoughts – all ending with you being “too little” and simply not enough.

Your worth is not defined by society, your friends, or even your family, sweet friends. What would you have to do to feel substantial and significant? If you do not express yourself and bless yourself, you may end up spending the rest of your life trying to signal your true worth to the world.

What core beliefs are running your show? Try to tune in to the assumptions you have about the world and others. Maybe your parents were overly critical or favored your younger brother. Turns out when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now. You know everybody knows how to raise children – except the people who have them. Heh. But seriously, if your parents were not good at loving you, due to their own unresolved issues, you may never have felt a true sense of your worth.

You feel like the human equivalent of a typo? If you create your own drama, you deserve your own karma. You can change your brain chemistry simply by the way you think. Your brain is changeable throughout your entire life. You can’t criticize and castigate yourself into a new, improved version of yourself. That’s for sure.

What’s that? You say you’re a hardworking person. Everything becomes harder when you’re the one working on it. Know this: Your inner critic is the thief of all happiness. Yes, you have been hurt; but you have healed. And you are stronger than your wounds, sweet friends. Trust me, when things change inside of you, things will change around you.

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in? The one with yourself. If you’re looking for the one person who will change your life – take a look in the mirror.


Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.

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