Dear Goldy:
Almost a year ago, after 23 years of marriage, my husband left me. He said it was one of those “wait for the kids to get older so they can handle it better” type of situations. Really? Because I was in the dark about that. I didn’t know he was waiting to divorce me. I didn’t know he was putting on a happy face and making sure to say all the right things at the right times. When I told him that he said he thought it was an unspoken agreement between us, he was shocked that I was shocked. He said he thought I knew that we weren’t getting along anymore, had different interests, grew apart. I forgot all he said – but whatever it was, “we” hadn’t done any of it. He did.
If I told you that it was like a knife to the heart, it wouldn’t fully describe the pain. It doesn’t matter that he was a “mentch” by letting me and the kids stay in the house or keep any of the things we bought, collected, and cherished over the years. I cherished him. I loved him. B’kitzur, he said that as the years went on, he fell out of love with me. He loved me and our kids, but there was no flame in him for me anymore.
At the behest of my children, friends, and family, I have begun dating again. It was months after he left me. I was ready – sort of. It’s been almost 25 years since I dated. I prepare myself by saying, “It’s just dinner with a nice man. No pressure. Nothing serious.” My pep talks work, and I start the date strong; but as the date continues, my confidence gets lower and lower. I’ve dated a few men, even went on a second date a couple of times. But sometimes during dates I look at the man opposite me and think, “You’re not_____. _____ left. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. He’s happy without me.” I try to shake the feeling. I excuse myself to the powder room until I can get it together. But when I look at my reflection in the mirror, I see the idiot who didn’t catch on that for years my husband was just going through the motions. I didn’t pick up on the fact that he wasn’t happy with our life or in love with me. I went along everyday thinking “everything is fine.” But it wasn’t fine, only I didn’t know it. Am I that much of an idiot? Did I just not want to see what was staring me in the face? I kept myself in good shape, dressed nicely, and wore makeup. I never wanted to look like a schlub. I think back to all the times I thought we were happy. I was, but he wasn’t. How can I trust myself dating? How do I know that whomever I date and eventually want to be in a relationship with will love me and isn’t playing a game? How can I know when he says, “I love you,” he means it? How did this happen to me?
I hate to say it, but I’d rather my ex-husband be dead than out there living life. It’s a horrible thought, but it’s true. How can he be out there, living without me?! How can he think that leaving me was the best thing for him? I’d rather he be dead and not able to choose to live without me. It’s not that I wish him dead, but it just hurts so much. I wouldn’t be able to blame him for any of this if he had died, because he wouldn’t have chosen to leave.
Before you can say anything, I am seeing a therapist, and I am part of a women’s group for divorced women. I look at these women and sometimes envy them when they seem happy or laughing or having a good time, because I still haven’t had that hearty, belly-hurting laugh or that yell-out-loud great time in almost a year. Whenever I get close, I’ll still think that I want to tell ______ about it because he’ll laugh, too. But he won’t because he chose a life without me in it.
If I hear “it takes time and eventually it’ll get better” one more time, I’ll burst. In fact, I did blow up at my friend last week when she said it. It was almost as if she’s tired of me crying on her shoulder and thinks I have mourned the loss of the marriage, and love I had for ____ for the adequate amount of time. There is no right amount of time! I am living my life. I am trying to date! But the hurt runs deep to know that I was blind to what was going on in my life for years and now ____ is happy without me.
How will I get over this trust issue? It’s not that I won’t trust someone who says he cares for me (or will and love me), but how can I trust myself to make the right decision of who that man is and he will love me forever?
Shayna
*****
Shayna, thank you for your email.
I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am for you and how you’re feeling. Divorce is bad enough without adding the element of surprise for one of the partners into the mix. First and foremost, I am so happy to hear that you are in therapy and have joined what sounds like a support group. Your friends are also there for you.
Regarding what you wrote towards the end of your letter, I don’t think your friend is saying to stop mourning what you lost, but to really begin on concentrating on your life now and what you have to look forward to. She may not have articulated it well, though. She and your other loved ones probably don’t want to see you in so much pain anymore. But regarding someone loving you “forever,” nothing is guaranteed. We hope it is and we hope if anything is amiss, it’ll be discussed before the decision of divorce is made. But again, forever is never a guarantee.
The ladies in your support group have much to offer you, since they have been where you are currently. I’m sure there were times when they, too, didn’t know how to go on, questioned memories they had, wondered if things could have been different. And you don’t know for a fact that when they get home, they don’t cry or write in their journal about the loneliness in their heart. You see what you see when you’re together, and you see what they want you to see. But I do hope that they are happy with their lives now and have been able to move forward and are creating wonderful memories now.
Shayna, you can’t question yourself about, “Why didn’t I see it?” And don’t call yourself an idiot or berate yourself. Your ex-husband explained that he played the part, as you wrote. How could you see past the mask that he wore? And it doesn’t make you a sucker or a loser for believing him when he told you he loved you. And don’t look at your wardrobe or make up vanity and wonder if you appealed to his desires and what he thinks of as attractive. You must look good for yourself. If you are happy with how you look, then that’s it. Striving to make another happy will only leave you unhappy. No matter what you did, you couldn’t have satisfied him, because he checked out of the relationship.
It will take a while to trust yourself again when it comes to a relationship. I’m sure your therapist has already told you that and it’s normal. All you can do is follow your heart and your mind. Use your seichel. If you spend enough time with someone, you will begin to see his heart and true character. It’s good that you aren’t forcing yourself to date, as I’ve written many times. You aren’t in a rush. Take things slow. Feel things out. Discuss it with your therapist. And I’m sure that when the right fellow comes around, he will understand your hesitation. You were burned badly.
Lastly, I want to address what you said by having your ex dead, than living life without you. I know you don’t wish him death or harm. But for you, it seems incredible that while you are living with the hole in your heart that he created, he is out there living life without you because he chose to. And he may date and marry again. It’s a fact. But you can’t let that stop you from enjoying life and enjoying the happiness that you deserve. You built your life around him and your children. You took care of him and the kids for over 20 years and now POOF! It’s gone. But that doesn’t mean life is over. If you need to give yourself a pep talk or excuse yourself to the powder room do it. We all need a moment to gather ourselves. Give yourself that time, so that when you do rejoin your date, you can concentrate on the here and now and not what was.
*****
Readers, I wrote more in my response to Shayna, but there is a limited amount of space I am allotted in the QJL. I will end my response here, but know that Shayna and I did correspond a few times and she is doing her best to move forward.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
