Dear Goldy:
I am writing this for my brother. I love him, but... I am just shaking my head in my hands. He has done some stupid things and sometimes these stupid things happen on a date. (I figure this out as he tells me about dates he has been on and not understanding “what went wrong.”)
He took some advice you wrote about, as well as what I and my mother and my other siblings have spoken about but turned it around so a positive is now a negative. He didn’t do it on purpose, but I don’t think he knows any better. He’s a good smart guy, but sometimes he’s a little “people stupid,” as they say.
There is nothing wrong with some silence on a date. Two people (who hardly know each other) don’t have to fill the time with non-stop talking. Nothing is wrong with “a comfortable silence,” You wrote about it. There’s the saying, “Silence is Golden.” People even say not to speak just for the sake of speaking. My brother took this message and convoluted it until it turned into a negative. He has told me a few times that he wants to find out if the girl he goes out with is an airhead, idiot – or someone with a head on her shoulders; so he will specifically end a conversation and not begin another one, so there is that moment of silence. But the moment turns into a minute and then things aren’t comfortable anymore. My brother refuses to be the one to break the silence. He wants to hear “what she’ll start talking about,” and if he thinks it’s a stupid topic, he’ll know what type of person she is. That is ridiculous!! She can be the one thinking that he’s the idiot because he has nothing to say to her and doesn’t know how to speak with girls on a date. It can backfire! But that’s not what I’m annoyed about. I’m annoyed because he is turning this into a test.
Who is he to test anyone or to judge if a topic chosen by a stranger, to discuss with him, is up to his standards!? If I don’t know the person, I would choose some general popular topic to discuss. I wouldn’t discuss something deep with a stranger or break a silence with a philosophical thought. It’s wrong and pompous what he’s doing. We’ve all told him so, but he is too dumb to think that his idea isn’t smart.
Can you talk to him?
Sister Ahuva
*****
Thank you for sending in your email on behalf of your brother, Sister Ahuva.
I can see where things have gone awry here. But it can be one of two scenarios. The first being that your brother thinks he’s superior and wants to see how well the woman he’s dating deals with pressure or awkwardness; will she choose a “dumb” topic to discuss, or one that catches his attention (insert eyeroll here). The second scenario is that your brother is really fine when there are a few moments of silence during a date, as you said: Two strangers are meeting and gibber gabber doesn’t have to fill the entire time, and your brother wants to see how the woman fairs under the situation – if she’s comfortable or if she’s grasping at straws, unable to handle the silence and desperately searching for anything to fill it.
I can understand the second scenario; but he seems a bit confused with the original intent of comfortable silences. According to my bestie, Google, comfortable silence can be a sign of ease and comfort with another person and can help build meaningful connections. It can also contribute to a sense of relaxation, patience, and empathy. Your brother may want to see if the woman is okay with a little silence. Of course, during a first date, I don’t see much point in doing this deliberately, because a first date is a chance for the couple to get to know each other – not to test each other. So, if your brother is implementing the first scenario that I had written about, it’s incredibly rude of him. Who is he to see if anyone is able to capture his attention with an interesting topic when he is the one forcing the situation of the silence? Is he the king, asking his court to entertain him? Who is anyone to test anyone on a date – or in social gatherings for that matter. What topics is your brother waiting to hear? Does he have something in mind, and she probably will miss the mark if it’s very specific? Or does he want to see what she can come up with on the fly. Both are wrong.
Let’s look at what you wrote, Sister Ahuva. Can it be that your brother really doesn’t know how to act on a date – knowing what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t, so he thinks what he is doing is fine? There are plenty of no-no’s of dating besides the obvious: being rude, insulting the person across from you, making the person feel uncomfortable are certainly high on that list. If this is the case, teach your brother and don’t take his stubbornness as him being ignorant or superior. He may just be that dumb when it comes to dating. He could excel in his career, be admired by his peers, be able to tell the best water cooler jokes, give an awe-inspiring quarterly report, but not know how to act during that 1:1 situation with a date. It’s not his fault. Some people aren’t programmed for the 1:1 intimate personal dating situation and are much more comfortable with being in public and working.
SA, you failed to mention how many women your brother has judged to have passed his test and have come out the other side not sounding like an airhead or an idiot. Have any? If the answer is no or very few, your brother should have figured this out before – that his way is the wrong way! Did you ever ask him what I wrote about earlier? Has he ever thought if the women he dates think that he is the shy, awkward one because he is ending a conversation and not beginning another one, or just staring at her? He should keep in mind that a date is between two people: the male and female, and each is judging each other. He is being judged and judging another.
I’m against the testing of anyone on a date. We judge each other whether we want to admit it or not, but why make it so official? His plan can backfire on him, and he may be the one viewed as the airhead. Just let things flow, and if there happens to be a lull in conversation, then there it is. Don’t time it or control it. Just ease your way through it and come out the other side. As I have said, dating is hard enough – no need to make it harder.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..