Dear Goldy:
Love your column. It’s great. I’ve had my (more than) fair share of bad dates and questionable situations. I know you do your hishtadlus to make sure that whatever letter you publish is a truthful letter and not one that was made up by those who wanted to see if their letters will get published. You’ve probably weeded out a few fakes over the years. That’s why I’m so sorry to say that I think you published a fake letter by someone who heard of the situation she wrote about on the radio.
A few weeks ago, I read the article titled, “Was It a Date?” The girl was totally clueless (but she wrote herself more like she was dumb). She wrote that she had a “discussion” – a term used very loosely – with a male classmate, and when he told her of his plans with friends that night, she thought he was inviting her to tag along with friends. So, she showed up at the place. Then she said she met him and a friend talking on campus and he walked her to her class. When you wrote your response, you even said that she (and the readers) should read the response in a soft, quiet type of voice, and that you weren’t annoyed or angry. I thought it sounded like you were “talking” to someone who is slow. I don’t mean to be mean, but that’s how I and my friend interpreted it.
I hate to tell you this, seriously. But I was listening to something I was streaming a couple of weeks before that letter was published. It was a morning radio show, and they were calling a guy because he dated a girl and then ghosted her. NYC radio stations do it. It’s pretty common. But when I read the letter written to you, it had a lot of similarities. From the radio show, the girl was calling because a co-worker of hers basically disappeared after they went out twice, according to the girl. She showed up at a bar to where he and his friends were one night, because she actually thought he invited her to come along. He stayed after and talked with her after his friends left because he felt bad that she misunderstood and drove on a cold night. But he said he only stayed talking for about ten minutes before he decided to leave, and yes, he asked if he could walk her to the car or subway – sounds familiar.
Then, a few days later, she saw him on the street, a block from where they both worked, and they walked into work together. Then he missed the next two shifts, and he wasn’t responding to her voicemails or texts. In your letter, the girl asked her classmate for his number and he refused and then explained that they weren’t dating and told her she misunderstood everything and he avoided class once just to avoid her.
On the radio, the guy told the DJs that he did not date this girl. She just showed up where he and his friends were, and he did offer to walk her to the car or subway because his mom raised him to do the right thing. Bumping into each other on the way to work was just a coincidence, but she was starting to give him the creeps, so he called in sick for a couple of shifts hoping to put an end to this, but she started calling and texting him. He said he didn’t even know how she got his number. (She was on the call, too, and said that she asked another co-worker for it.) The guy made it very clear that he had no interest in this girl and she was kind of stalking him. She, on the other hand, analyzed everything this guy did with her to prove they were seeing each other. It was a crazy call! And I’m not sorry – but that girl was crazy.
After my friend and I talked about it, we think that someone took the idea and tweaked it and sent you a letter. Students, instead of co-workers. Walking to class instead of to work. Like I said, I know you have said that you do your best to make sure the letters are authentic. I have to tell you, Goldy, I really think you got played. I’m so sorry someone took advantage of your column, and your time, and sent in a fake letter. I know you can’t do a security background check on every letter, so I have no advice on what more you can do when trying to find out if the letter is a truthful one. But I felt that I had to tell you because it wasn’t right. And to all of you fakers out there: If you try to copy something from the radio/TV/social media, someone is going to catch on. You aren’t the only one watching and listening. And if you’re just writing fiction, then stop, because we all have books we can read from our favorite authors and not a no-name like you. Not nice!
Debbie_____
*****
Thank you for your email, Debbie. I didn’t print your last name because it isn’t such a common last name that there can be 100 girls with your name. But I included the ____ to show the readers that you wrote your whole name. You are genuine.
Readers: Debbie and I emailed each other and also spoke on the phone. As far as I can tell, Debbie is the real deal. I will now publish the response I originally sent to Debbie after I read her email.
Wow. I hear what you’re saying loud and clear. I do what I can to ensure that the emails are authentic, but I am not the CIA, and I’m sad to admit it, but I am sure that more than one “fake” letter has been published. Not that I like lying or condone it (it depends on what the white lie is and why it’s being told) but I always say, “Never lie if there’s a chance you may get caught.” If the writer heard the bit play out on the radio, chances are thousands of others did. What are the chances that one of those thousands of listeners would be a reader of my column? Pretty slim, but it happened. I want to believe the letter was genuine, but you pointed out many similarities, even if they were tweaked a little bit. Yay, Fake Letters one point, but Goldy has hundreds of points (real emails.)
I know you did me a favor by writing in, but if I may – I would like to point out something from your letter. I have always said that words hold power. You wrote, “A few weeks ago, I read the article you titled “Was It a Date?” The girl was totally clueless (but she wrote herself more like she was dumb). I thought it sounded like you were “talking” to someone who is slow. I don’t mean to be mean, but that’s how I and my friend interpreted it.” The world is different today than it was when my generation was growing up. Words that were innocent and innocuous then have strong meaning now, and when used in a sentence, depending on who you’re speaking with, someone may get offended. The word “dumb,” I understand what you meant by it, but when looking for synonyms for that word, I found: uncommunicative, tongue-tied, voiceless, dim-witted, feeble-minded, moronic. Someone may read your words and think that you are actually calling someone “dumb and simple-minded.” The message of your letter can get lost because now someone thinks you’re insulting a group of people in our society, or someone who has been called dumb and resents/hates the word. “Clueless” may have summed it all up. And when you wrote that word “slow,” I myself cringed after reading it.
I hate to use the word “triggering” (refer to one of my previous articles). But the word “slow” in the way that you used it is offensive. Many different types of people with different personalities read my article. Firstly, I would not want to offend anyone, much less a whole group of people, and secondly haven’t we all, at least once, misinterpreted an email or text message because we couldn’t hear the tone of voice the sender used when sending the message. “She used all capitals. She must be furious.” “Why did she add two exclamation points?” Therefore, while responding to the writer, I don’t know if she has tough skin, is gullible, wears her heart on her sleeve and was very hurt by what happened (if it happened). That’s why I specifically wrote that the response should be read in a sweet voice – like one friend to another – which is the point of the column. Talking between friends and telling it like it is. I wanted her to know how to interpret my words, because she may have thought I was mocking or yelling at her. That’s why I try to be clear.
Debbie, I appreciate you looking out for me and sending in your email. Chalk up the previous paragraph to learning a life lesson. I know you didn’t mean anything harmful by any of the words you used, but we need to start thinking about how our words are interpreted by others and how many arguments begin because of a misunderstanding, “I didn’t mean it that way.” I’ll keep doing what I can to try to weed through the fakes, but the writer shouldn’t think that because I answered sincerely, that no one else will catch on to what they’re doing. I admit it, I’m very gullible and have paid a price for it at times. But if this is what gets someone “their jollies,” there’s not much I can do. So, yes, I got played – maybe. But I really want to believe the letter was sincere.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..