Dear Goldy:
I’ve been dating a long time. There were times I thought “this is it,” but the women didn’t think I was Mr. Right. I’m not here to force anyone to like me, but sometimes I think the women themselves don’t know what they want. They have a list of what they want in a husband, and if a guy has all of them, then they complain about the packaging. “He’s what I’m looking for, it’s just not him.” If you give them what they want, they still don’t know. How about if we all stop looking at what we want and start looking at what’s in front of us?
Examples:
One time, a date told me that she liked baseball. I got tickets to the Yankees, on the third baseline. On another date, she said she liked nature; we went to a state park and to a zoo when the weather was nice. A couple of weeks later, she ended things because I was too clingy and smothering. I couldn’t believe it. I gave her what she wanted and because of that I’m clingy? Would she rather someone not listen to her and do exactly the opposite of what she likes doing?
Then I dated someone who went into detail telling me she wasn’t 20 anymore. I didn’t need the reminder. She was a mature adult and had a life. She didn’t see herself falling head over heels for a guy and acting like a 20-year-old, so if I was expecting that, I was looking at the wrong girl. She said she wasn’t the type to swoon over a text or stuff like that. She said it all the time. I told her that I don’t expect her to behave like someone she’s not and to stop overthinking and let feelings come naturally, if they come. A few weeks later, she told me I wasn’t enough for her, because I wasn’t committed to the relationship. She said she felt like she wasn’t my priority. I didn’t know what to say, so I told her I was doing as she said, giving her space to live her life, not smothering her or acting like a kid in love because “we’re adults.” I liked her, but I wanted to give her the space she wanted. She said I wasn’t listening to her at all and ended things.
The last woman I dated still lived at home, at the age of 43, which is fine. Plenty of girls live at home until they get married. But this one didn’t live like an adult. She said she’s never moved out because she gets her laundry done, meals cooked, room cleaned. I joked with her that she was living the good life, but wanted to know if she can be responsible for a house; it’s practical to ask if she can cook and do laundry. She said she can only make eggs and easy food, and she can learn how to do laundry. She said her husband will need to be very patient with her. My sisters lived at home until they got married. But they knew how to cook, do laundry, go to the grocery store. But this woman was serious when she said she didn’t know how to do several things, things that I thought came naturally to someone who grew up in a bustling household. Just being around others who had household responsibilities was enough for me to learn how to keep house. I live in my own apartment; I have no roommate and I don’t run home every week to take from my parents’ pantry or fridge or expect my mom to do laundry.
Do these women even know what they want? One tells me what she likes and when I do what she likes, I’m clingy. The other didn’t want to act like a 20-year-old and have hearts in her eyes or go goo-goo over someone. I gave her space and she said I’m ignoring her. And the last one is a child literally looking for a parent figure. No wonder there’s a crisis. It’s more than frustrating. I hear all the time that there aren’t “good guys” left and “there must be something wrong if he’s this old and never married or engaged before.” I can say the same about the women.
What’s your opinion?
Reuven S.
*****
Thank you for your email, Reuven.
I feel your frustration through your words. You sound like you’re about to pull your hair out. You feel as though you listen to these women, try to be the man they are looking for, who will give them what they need, whether it be space or Yankees tickets, and just when you think you’ve figured out the rules of the game, the tables get turned on you. You end up feeling as if listening and behaving accordingly ended up biting you in the tush and ruining it all. Is that it? I can’t blame you.
It sounds like you liked these women, tried to accommodate their needs and likes, and at the last minute they looked for an excuse to cut and run, so they turned your actions and words against you. I wrote an article a few years ago, “Do You Even Know What You Want?” I had met a man in his 40s, divorced with two children, and did I mention that he’s a kohen? He told me what he was looking for in a second wife. I redt him two shidduchim that were exactly what he requested, plus the women were in their 30s, never married, and willing to go out with him. He wouldn’t even commit to calling the women. He always had a question about this or that. He was nitpicking to find something wrong – because why else would he not even want to call them? I found exactly what he was looking for, and still he had issues. So, I left him alone. Let him take care of himself and leave me alone. From what you wrote, the women remind me of him, but I don’t know the full story or what the truth is. Just as you wrote, they picked specific criteria they wanted (although I’m not sure what a 20-year-old in love exactly acts like, compared to a 43-year-old in love) and used that as the reason.
When you wrote that the women broke up with you because you were “too clingy and smothering,” or weren’t making her and the relationship a priority, you connected it to listening to what her interests are and taking her to places where she would be able to enjoy herself. But the two may not be connected. Could it be that you called/texted her a lot or wouldn’t let her out of your sight on dates? I’m just guessing here. Could it be that you gave the other woman too much space and weren’t “loving enough” when you were together? I’m not blaming you here, I just don’t know what this woman wanted or was referring to as not acting like a 20-something in love. I can understand you wanting and trying to look for a reason for the breakups, but sometimes we aren’t always correct when we connect the dots.
Unfortunately, I have heard from both women and men after trying to redt a shidduch, “Well what’s wrong with him/her if he/she is __ years old and still single?” I hate that sentence. Why does something have to be wrong with a person because he or she hasn’t met their bashert yet? The only thing wrong is their bashert was not put in their path yet. There is so much negative energy connected with that statement. Why start a potential relationship with someone by thinking, “I’ll have to overlook her/his six-finger hand or second head and see if he/she is worth the trouble”? But I don’t think that Hashem is rewarding them and punishing older singles. Just like you think nothing is “wrong with me,” please feel the same about the women you date, because that’s what all people feel about themselves. It’s always the other person, not me.” Not true. It’s only because it hasn’t been their time yet.
On the surface, these women seem not to know what they want, because when given it, they don’t want it – or like you mentioned, they may not like the packaging. But we all have a right to like the whole package, including the aesthetics. It may sound cruel, but it’s the truth. Maybe when faced with what they want, it scares them. They met their bashert, and no matter how much they want to get married, they chicken out and make an excuse. Who knows!? But I wouldn’t blame those types of women – those who don’t know what they want – for the shidduch crisis.
There’s a shidduch crisis for more than one or even five reasons. I wish I could snap my fingers, and everyone would be able to pair off with their bashert. But I can’t do that. Reuven, I am sorry that this all has happened to you. Yes, you seem to want to please a woman and show her you’re attentive and caring, but when you do, you’re punished and not rewarded. All I can say is that your bashert will appreciate you for who you are and all of your positive qualities and your need to give to someone you care about.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
