Keeping with the theme of June graduations, I, too, have pearls of wisdom I’d like to pass along to daters, new and experienced. I have so much to write, to pass on, but I’m limited by space and the number of words I’m allotted. Below are just a few points I wanted daters to read. There are many more, and no I don’t think these are the most important, which is why they are here. They were randomly chosen from my mind.
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To Daters Everywhere:
Whether you are a cadet new to this world (19/20-year-olds), a veteran, one who has been looking for his or her bashert for years/decades, or one returning for another tour of duty due to a divorce or death of a spouse, I think this will speak to all of you.
I wish I had someone sit me down and tell me what I am about to write for you when I was a doe-eyed, innocent college freshman embarking on my first date. Had I had these words to reflect upon, I may have enjoyed myself a little more and have cried less – or maybe I wouldn’t have. Guess we’ll never know. Although I do know that if someone had sat me down for this talk, I probably would have been rolling my eyes the entire time, thinking, “All I’m hearing is to use my seichel. There’s nothing profound in what I’m hearing. Not like discovering the atom or something...” But even though all it sounded like was using my seichel, sometimes that can be hard to remember when you get all wrapped up in the things.
Simple things to keep in mind:
Yes, I know you’re dating for a purpose, but you can also have fun while doing it. Don’t approach dating like a job. I know you will have your resumes ready and will keep updating them, but these are the interviews for the type of job you will love, not the type that you have to show up at every day in order to pay your bills. By not taking yourself or the date so seriously, it takes the pressure off and you’ll be able to relax a bit, letting the other person see the real you and vice versa.
Don’t judge a book by its cover. How many couples have we all seen that look like they were mismatched? She may be all put together and perfect looking, and he looks like his clothes need washing, hair needs cutting... or vice versa. These people didn’t let first appearances make a lasting impression. When you date a person, you date the whole person. Looks fade, but character/personality remains constant. Give all dates a fair chance. True, people can “read” a person they meet or a situation they are in within the first few minutes. Give it more time. A beautiful diamond comes from an ugly piece of coal. A perfect pearl comes from a yucky clam. Get to know the person before you reject him or her.
Take the dating sabbaticals/vacations in stride. Don’t freak out or be miserable if you have a dating lull of a few months. My longest forced dating hiatus (forced because the phone was not ringing and shadchanim I called told me that “the guy I have in mind for you is busy now. I’ll call you if he becomes available”) was seven months! And I wasn’t 22 when it happened. I was 30. I thought, “I’m losing precious time! I’m 30 and every day I get older. I’m having a good hair day now! Why isn’t anyone calling? Why isn’t anyone available?” And yes, my parents got worried enough to have me make an appointment with the “Ayin Hora Lady.” I mean that had to be the reason, like an ayin ha’ra was hovering over me. What else can explain why I couldn’t even get a date if I sold myself on eBay? My parents also made an appointment with a mekubal (Side Point: This “mekubal” told me that my bashert’s name started with an “M” or “mem.” My nephews’ names all begin with an M and both my sons’ names begin with an M. My husband doesn’t have an M, Mem, or an N in his first or last name! Not even his Hebrew name when you say ____ ben Chaim – No mem! Also, second side point: This mekubal would not daven for me unless I paid him $150. I didn’t know Hashem takes AmEx.) I’m not saying just sit back and do nothing, but take the time off, forced or self-imposed, to do things you want: travel, start a new hobby, or to work on yourself with a self-help book or through seminars. Or just chill and relax. Continue calling shadchanim, but don’t waste the time given to you just by “waiting.” Work on you. Continue to always work on you – to be the person you want to be. And sometimes you need to know when to take that much needed break. If you get burned out and keep on going, you’re not doing yourself any favors. Stop. Recharge your battery.
Never let anyone dim your sparkle. If you are the life-of-the-party type of person, continue being that person. Anyone who intentionally or unintentionally (they could be playing mind games with you and make you think the decision was yours) asks you to change who you are to fit their criteria of who they want you to be, or more specifically who they want their spouse to be, is not for you. And this goes for those who are quiet and like keeping to the background, as well. Yes, it’s fun to get out of your comfort zone and try something that you would normally never try before – once. But if you are repeatedly asked to do, act, or say something that you aren’t comfortable with on a regular basis, listen to the voice inside your head. These people aren’t into the “you” that makes you uniquely special. They are molding you into whom they want. Your real bashert will like you for you. And this also is true for all the ladies who think, “I’ll change him once we’re married.” Spiffing up his wardrobe is one thing, changing his personality is something else. If the fellow is quiet and laid back, that is who he is. Don’t try to make him come out of his shell – he’s a person; we were born, not hatched out of a shell. And if he didn’t like something about himself, by this age, I’m sure he would have done something about it. It’s not up to you.
Many may disagree with what I’m about to write and that’s okay, but it must be said/written: You can either be happy or right, but you can’t be both. Couples have arguments. Each will defend his or her opinion. Unless it’s a known fact that you are arguing about and can Google the answer to (or call a family member to see if he remembers what your mother-in-law gave as a Chanukah present three years ago), then the anger that’s invested into the argument isn’t worth the argument. Go ahead and argue, let your thoughts/opinions be heard, but know when it’s time to end it so the situation doesn’t escalate into something nuclear, and things are said that may really hurt the other – and those words don’t have to be “I hate you.” Once a massive argument begins, emotions come into play, and you don’t know how the other person is interpreting your words. You may be making an analogy, but they think you’re insulting them. Just take a deep breath and start winding the argument down. I like to think of it as being a superhero. I know that I’m Wonder Woman, but I can’t let others know. I know that I’m strong and smart – but I can’t let anyone else know my secret or else I put myself and family at risk at all times. It’s enough to know that you think you’re correct than to argue and say things that can’t be forgotten. By doing this, the issue is in the past and you can get on with your lives. Just bite the bullet. Another way to think of this is to pick your battles. Sometimes a duel to the death isn’t the right decision or worth it.
Be happy with yourself. You have to love yourself before anyone else will. Never forget that you have wants and needs and there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself – whether it’s mind, body, or soul. Once you have self-esteem and believe in yourself, it’s almost as if you give off an aura that will draw others in, and they will want to be around you and like you. So, if you are not in a “good place,” figure out how that can change and do it. Do not date if you are depressed or feeling down. It’s just not a good idea. Be satisfied with yourself first – yes, we are all a work in progress, but like yourself before you put yourself out there.
The road ahead may be shorter or longer for some than for others. No matter how long your journey will be, always know that Hashem hasn’t forgotten about you and He has a plan for you even if you think He has forgotten about you. Sometimes it’s very hard to have bitachon, but always hold onto it; never lose it.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
