Do you have a healthy relationship with sleep? Are you careful about your bedtime?

“I’m pretty sure I have insomnia, but the good news is I’m not losing any sleep over it.” Uh oh. Did you buy those black out curtains and do you practice your meditation nightly? If you have a cavalier approach to bedtime, you may find yourself overwhelmed and utterly exhausted at times.

“I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.” Your mind may need to lie on that pillow far more than you realize, sweet friends. When you are overtired, you may be attacked by a host of negative ideas. You have nearly 100,000 thoughts from the time you wake up till you slip into sleep. Can you properly think your own thoughts? Are you even aware of the feelings they evoke?

Before you doze off, you may ask yourself what is keeping you awake and what is it that you are truly worried about. Are there things you are really sad about at this time? Perhaps someone angered you or hurt your feelings today. We are more easily bruised than we would like to admit.

Scan your body and slowly relax your muscles. Please notice and hold in your attention the things around you which are still beautiful. Look for joy wherever you may find it.

Many people or even well-meaning friends may disagree with you or even make you feel ashamed at times. You need not defend yourself or melt into self-hate or despair. Realize that you will face opposition in this life.

Extend compassion to yourself as well as to others. Their accusations need not feel true. Do not identify with your aggressor. You were born into this world with a clean slate. From the first breath you take, the painful and joyful experiences shape how you see the world.

We have all suffered trauma and at one point or another. You may have struggled to even love yourself. The world can become a dark or even an evil place if you were hurt deeply. Holding painful secrets can have devastating effects on you. Then again, I’m not good at keeping secrets - unless it’s my age. My best secret-keeping skill is forgetting what I was supposed to keep a secret about. And you know what they say: There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?

But on a serious note, you may even resent the part of you that is in pain. But please do not throw your inner child into a closet and forget about her. You need not be a victim, sweet friends. You can actually be whoever you want to be.

Your past can weigh you down if you do not learn to love the part of you that makes you feel unlovable or “less than.” Own your voice and unlock the fearful child inside of yourself please. Tell a trusted person what happened to you and hold your inner child’s hand while you do.

Do not allow the beautiful moments of your life to be overshadowed by your painful past. Do not struggle silently. We are all wired for survival. The thinking part of your brain, your frontal cortex, will help you learn. When you are fearful, the back part of your brain will rush hormones to your body such as cortisol and adrenaline. They will flood your body and tense you up to fight or flight.

Drugs, alcohol, and addictions to shopping, gambling, or social media do nothing but medicate you temporarily. They will ultimately crush your spirit. Speaking of shopping, I just saved $198.46 by not going to Target. Heck, everything’s 100% off if you don’t buy it.

But truly, what you need is exposure to your pain and trauma. You can then learn to be resilient and to survive despite your fears. Learn to use it for personal transformation.

All you need is one caring person to help you see infinite possibilities of what your life can be. Give your friends a sense of hope and possibility. Use the power of what happened to you in your life to transform. And remember, sweet friends: What you see depends on what you look for.


Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.