Perhaps you know someone who is a tad mysterious. When you’re around him, you never quite know where you stand. You intuit a touch of sadness around her. However long you have known him, he remains distant and out of reach.
It may be that your own parents were unresponsive and uncommunicative. Did you give in to the insecurities that they provoked in you? Perhaps you questioned if they even truly loved you. If you always text him first, it may seem as though he doesn’t even truly care. Well, you know what they say: Apparently, we love our own cell phones, but we hate everyone else’s. Remember that your phone may make you closer to a person far from you; but it takes you away from the one sitting next to you. Listen, my phone just filmed a three-hour documentary about life inside my pocket.
But seriously, you find yourself accusing your loved ones of neglect or even selfishness, and they predictably respond by defensiveness and running away from the consequences of your longing or need for them.
All of a sudden, he has overtime at the office, or she suddenly needs to run out shopping. Ever feel like your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime? And you know what they say: People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.
He may get angry and deny that you have any real issue at all. She honestly believes that she is not thoughtless or inattentive, but she is simply too “busy” at the moment. And no, you cannot stay in shape by running from commitment.
He may accuse you of being too needy or demanding. Please hold onto the idea that many people who avoid intimacy are simply scared. He may be afraid to let his guard down, and risk abandonment or even betrayal.
We seldom know our friend’s or loved one’s complete back story; but trust me – they have one. If you were let down badly by someone you depended on, you may have grown a very thick skin to presumably protect you. You have sworn up and down never to trust anyone again.
He might put up barriers and blockades, not because he doesn’t care about you. Being cared for kindly and compassionately may generate unfamiliar and even scary feelings.
For some of us, love is simply not reliable. Try to address your underlying fears, sweet friends. If you can, please try to make being close feel safe for him. She may truly find being vulnerable threatening.
Do you have problems being close to others? Many of us fear genuine attachment. After all, intimacy has a cost. We all share some fear of dependency. But you must be brave and take risks in order to feel closeness or love.
Who makes you feel happy, safe, and secure? Do you do what’s best for your loved ones even if it may hurt you at times? Relationships suffer when you do not make an effort to spend time or when you make empty excuses for not being there for them.
Know his plans and goals. Appreciate her dreams. Do not allow yourselves to drift apart. You owe it to yourselves and to others to hold on. Sometimes, however, you may need to end some relationships, if the friendship is no longer good for your mental health or self-worth. It’s all right to learn and grow from your past. Yes, if need be, you can move on.
She may not wish to be overly involved with you or anyone for that matter. He might make plans independently or squirm when you try to be affectionate.
If your job is going well, your mind may automatically seek a different one. Speaking of jobs, it’s been said: The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
Perhaps someone in your past taught you that commitment is frightening or that love is not to be trusted. So, you avoid, sidestep, and steer clear of those so-called entanglements.
Please do not associate distance with emotional safety. Call upon the rational part of your mind, which wants to build true relationships and pursue that dream job. It’s also been said:
A lot of fellows nowadays have a BA, MD, or PhD. Unfortunately, they don’t have a JOB.
But truly, perhaps the idea of making a commitment generates an awkward set of emotional responses. Proximity can feel frightful. Being dependent can make alarms go off in your head. Do not feel embarrassed. It’s okay to feel this way so long as you express your fears to your loved ones.
Try not to build walls around you. Switch off the alarm and put in the effort to understand your apprehensions. If it scares you, it might actually be a good thing to try. And remember, it’s been said: You don’t have to say I love you to say I love you.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
