Sadly, humans have the power to emotionally manipulate each other. Do you ever feel like you’re getting mixed signals or occasional attention while you are hoping for a deeper, more predictable connection?
Even at work you may be caught in a web of uncertainty as to where you stand. The nature of your work or future there should be made clear. If it isn’t, it can leave you feeling unsure and unsettled. Then again, I don’t know why judges get paid so much. Others judge me for free. And good luck sending those mixed signals. I don’t even understand the direct ones.
But truthfully, you may find yourself on the receiving end of inconsistency in your relationship with someone. He texts randomly; she calls unpredictably. Your boss reassures on occasion but leaves long periods of doubt and even silence in between.
If he is truly interested in having a meaningful friendship or relationship, he will be willing to make plans for the future. She will put in a great deal of time and effort. If you bring up a serious topic, does he change the subject? When you ask for a raise, does he say that he will discuss it another time?
If he is looking for genuine love, he will not be superficial, sketchy, or vague. Who is willing to dig deep with you? Does she even know your secret thoughts, fears, or dreams for the future? If you keep all your relationships on a casual, surface level, you cannot experience genuine intimacy.
Your boss runs hot and cold. Ugh. Does your boss think that multitasking means doubling your work? Sheesh. Then again, why do we call them “workdays” when we don’t actually want to work?
One day, he showers you with compliments, and you believe there is a potential for you to grow in this company. But then, he remains aloof, and yet again you feel emotionally let down, or even drained.
If someone changes their behavior only temporarily and then go back to their old ways as soon as you accept them again, it may very well be a manipulative tactic. Sadly, some bosses will keep you hanging on to false hope or promises for your future.
In personal relationships, however, you deserve way better. Please do not settle for someone who only offers the pizza crust, unless that’s your favorite part. You know what they say:
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad. What’s the difference between a good pizza joke and a bad one? The delivery. But seriously, invest your time and emotions in people who do the same in return.
Let’s face it. We can all use a bit of adoration and affection. Who wouldn’t want some appreciation or sincere compliments, after all? Please do not tolerate “hot and cold” friendships. They text you all day and suddenly you get no response. “My phone died” is the equivalent of “my dog ate my homework.” No one is that busy, sweet friends. They just activated their “selective response mode.”
Steer clear of her if she is kind one minute and mean the next. A true friend can see you in the best light, even when it’s dark. If his reactions to you appear to be random, trust me, they are not. They may be quite intentional by keeping you guessing and playing with your emotions.
Please do not work hard for his approval simply because he is successful or wealthy. If she puts herself on a pedestal, acting disinterested or dismissive when you speak, do not seek validation from her.
You should never have to compete for attention or affection, sweet friends. Your boss may compare you unfavorably to a co-worker, but your loved ones should not be creating feelings of insecurity or uncertainty within you. No matter how cool their shoes are, they may have holes in their socks for all you know. Remember, you are running your own race.
After all, it’s been said: If someone doesn’t appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
