Dear Goldy:
I haven’t been dating for years and years, but I’ve been dating for a time. I went out last week and we went to a lounge.
Everything was okay. He didn’t do anything bad. But I noticed that he kept trying to look in the mirror. We sat near a wall that was one big mirror, and he kept looking to the side. I also want to make sure that I look good on dates and that I don’t have lipstick on my teeth or, worse, something hanging from my nose. But I’m a girl. It’s to be expected that a girl would want to see her reflection. I admit to sneaking a peek at the mirror, too, but my date was doing it much more than me. But like I said, everything went well, so I let that pass.
We went out again on a Sunday daytime date. We were in Manhattan, so we went on a short walk in Central Park and then did some window shopping on the Upper East Side. We went into some of the fancier stores, too, looked around, and to warm up a little. And again, he was stopping in front of the glass windows, and I think he was checking out more than just what was on display. Inside, he didn’t try to be discreet about it at all. The rest of the date was good, no bad parts.
He wants to go out again. But I think he may be too vain, too into himself. I don’t think it’s a good quality for a man to have. It’s not very attractive, not manly in my opinion. Do you think this is something I should worry about?
Malkah
*****
Thank you for your email, Malkah.
I remember going out with a fellow who was good looking, had a lot of hair on his head, and styled well. As we were walking back to the car at the end of our date, a huge gust of wind came. As soon as I got into the car, I quickly tried to get the hair out of my face and brush my fingers through the tangles. I had about 5-8 seconds to do this before he came around the car and got in. The funny thing was, when he did get into the car, the first thing he did was angle the rearview mirror in his direction, pat the sides of his hair and ask, “How’s my quaff doing?” I thought it was a cute thing. He did have nice hair. There was a gust of wind. Or he may have been doing it to make me feel better about my hair.
I also remember I was taken to many lounges in my dating career and have sat next to many a mirror. It’s so hard not to turn your head slightly to check out how your hair or make up is holding up. I took quick looks and I’m sure whoever I was dating did the same thing. I just don’t remember at this moment. It’s almost like a natural reflex. Mirror – Look. Mirror – Look.
I’ll provide one more example (as I usually like providing three). I know a couple. They are married over 25 years, have five children and k”h are grandparents, as well. As with time, people change. The husband has lost weight, bought stylish clothes, and shaved his very balding head. And one time, when I was talking to his wife, she told me that “He takes longer to get ready to go out than I do. He has lotions, shines up his head.” We laughed about it. She wasn’t worried that the man she has been married to was becoming vain. The man she loved was still there, just in different packaging. He wanted to look and feel better. And he does.
Malkah, let me ask you: Did your date seem obsessed with looking at his reflection? Was he commenting on his physical features or asking questions about them (“How’s my quaff?”)? Were his looks into the mirror distracting? Did conversation stop when he tried to get a look at his reflection? Were your physical features a topic of conversation? If the answer is no to all or most of these questions, then I don’t think you have to worry about him becoming another Prince Charming from Shrek.
I can understand why you may feel that it’s not an attractive quality for a man to have. We are taught not to be vain, right? You may think it’s natural for a woman to want to look at her refection, apply make-up, check out how a new outfit looks from all sides, etc. But you may unknowingly have put that into a “girl thing to do/care about” category. Maybe your father (perhaps brothers) never spent time in front of the mirror, so you’re not used to it. Personally, other than looking in a mirror when tying his tie or giving his hair a comb-through – and not even all the time – my father didn’t look in the mirror much. It would be new to me, as well, to date someone who seems to always want to see his reflection.
There could be many reasons for this. Maybe he wanted to see if his hair was still holding up, if he had food in his teeth, if he looked disheveled while sitting. Or, maybe he was trying to make sure everything was just right because he wanted to look his best for you. I do know someone, relatively young (mid-forties), and she wears a hearing aid. Not many people know, because she is self-conscious about it. She wears her hair down, or just that side of her hair is down when we are out in public. A hearing aid is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but she is. These are her feelings, which I hope will change over time. Do you know if your date was trying to make sure that something he didn’t want you to see was showing, that it was still out of sight? I could be grasping at straws here, but that could be a reason.
I don’t think this is an issue that you should lose sleep over. I, too, did and still do try to catch my reflection in a store window while passing. Does it mean I’m vain? Maybe to some. But I just want to know that everything is where it should be. One time, I saw that my slip was showing in the back! I ducked into a store so I could fix it, because I know people would be saying, “Her slip is showing. Should I tell her?” On the other hand, do you want to date someone who didn’t care about his appearance? I’ve been there, done that. And let me tell you, those are not great dates either – and not just because of physical appearances. Some say if you don’t care about the outside, how much care/attention do you give to the inside?
If you agree to another date, and his habit continues, you can ask him about it – in a kind, joking way: “Looking to see if your nose is still where you left it?” And then when he asks you what you mean, you can explain that you’ve noticed he likes catching his reflection every once in a while. The conversation and hobby can end there, or he may laugh and tell you, “Oh, you noticed? I was just____.” It could be as simple as that.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
