A few have asked me if anyone sends in one- or two-line questions. The answer is yes. I get both very short and lengthy questions. My job as a columnist is to fill space. So, while I do answer all questions sent to me, I don’t submit many of them. Most of the questions I submit are on the longer side so that I fulfill my obligation as a columnist. But here are some questions that don’t take up too much space.
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Short Email #1
Dear Goldy:
I was redt a shidduch. Everything sounds great. References all check out. I even called a few people of my own who I thought would know the guy and his family – and they did. I’d like to say yes to the shidduch, but my parents are worried because the guy and half of his family are redheads.
Is that a reason to turn down a shidduch?
Molly
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Thanks for your email, Molly.
I guess we were all taught the same thing in sixth grade Navi class: “Redheaded people have tempers. David HaMelech was a redhead and a fierce warrior.” People worry that if they are redt a shidduch that includes someone with red hair, the shidduch will be nixed or people will worry that the person has a bad temper. Really? Just like eye color and the shape of a nose, genetics predetermine someone’s hair color. By assuming redheads have bad tempers, are we passing along a self-fulfilling prophecy? If redheads keep getting passed over for a shidduch based on hair color alone, don’t you think that would make them angry?
If you keep telling a child with low self-esteem that he or she won’t amount to anything and is worthless, that child will eventually accept that as fact and won’t apply himself or herself to anything – and may turn into a troubled teen. We aren’t doing our loved ones any favors by basing a shidduch strictly on hair color. If that were the case, then blondes would have trouble with shidduchim as well, because people think blondes are dumb. But then again, “blondes have more fun,” so that may cancel out the stupidity. You marry a blonde, he or she is as dumb as a doornail – but is a party animal!
I know quite a few redheads, ranging from strawberry blonde to flaming red, and they are all nice, even-tempered people. Some of their children have the most gorgeous hair! Why are we letting hair color stand in the way? I know some ladies who opt for sheitels that are not their original hair color. They go blonde, red, highlighted, etc. We should all give others the benefit of the doubt. I can point out several people I know who have bad tempers and don’t have red hair! Many women commented that they would really have to look into the girl or boy to see if they would allow the shidduch because “you can’t be too careful.”
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Short Email #2
Dear Goldy:
My mother is a numerologist. She always has been. Every time my brother or I am redt a shidduch, she starts a whole numerology chart on the girl using the information the shadchan gives her, and that’s how she decides if we should agree to the shidduch. She agreed to plenty, but my brother and I are still single. I think the whole thing is garbage. What about you?
Mike
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Thanks for your email, Mike.
I remember from my single years that there was a shadchan I had met several times who always reminded me to call her with the birthdates of potential dates, plus their Hebrew names, so she could “chart it.” I am not – and was not – interested in numerology. I also don’t believe in astrological signs. It’s fun to read horoscopes, but I don’t think that a Virgo and a Libra shouldn’t get married, or that when the moon circles around Jupiter it’s the most optimum moment to enter a relationship.
I always thanked the shadchan (whom I would meet in stores or at simchos; I never called her or met with her officially). I was always taught that we shouldn’t believe in psychics or numerology, so I don’t. I understand that many do believe in it, but I just don’t understand how a shidduch can be nixed because the birthdates of the fellow and girl aren’t compatible or anything like that. I do believe that there are those out there with a talent or a gift, for lack of a better term. I also understand that everything is predetermined by Hashem and written in the Torah, but you must know where to find it.
I don’t feel that this shadchan had the gift to fully understand how to interpret birthdays and names in correlation to a shidduch. To base a shidduch strictly on this doesn’t make any sense to me, and this is only my opinion. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that spending time with one another is the way two people can find out if they are compatible.
I remember asking this shadchan if she had “regulars” who called her often. She said she did. I asked how many times she had told someone that “the numbers don’t add up.” She said many times, but she also had given the thumbs up to singles many times as well. I smiled and told her I would “keep in touch,” but never did. It just wasn’t my thing. What if she had told me that my husband and I weren’t compatible because of our birthdays or the gematria of our names? Would I not have dated and married him? I would have missed out on some of the best moments of my life.
As the Garth Brooks song says, “Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” If we knew ahead of time how things would turn out, we might not have gone down that road because of the pain we would encounter – but then we would have missed out on all the great times.
Keep the shorter questions coming. I’ll always respond, but you probably won’t find them submitted, unless I group a few together to fill up a column.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
