Welcome back to “How Should I Know?” – the advice column that used to run on a regular basis until, as a cost-cutting measure, it was decided that people do not need advice on a regular basis.  Once in a while is plenty, they decided.  Despite my advice to the contrary.  So my advice might not be something that people have to listen to.  But what I lack in volume, I hope to make up for in volume. 

I’m really excited about my new phone.  

It’s a desk phone.  I don’t know why you’d care.  But everyone’s always subjecting me to listen to them talk about all the features of their phones, so today I’m going to talk about all the features of mine.

(WARNING: This column contains what people call, “leitzanus d’avoda zara,” not that the avoda zara needs my help making fun of it.  It sort of takes care of itself.  If you are for whatever reason sensitive to such jokes, this might be the wrong newspaper for you.)