Dear Goldy:
I broke my engagement a few weeks ago. All I’ll say (and that’s the issue) is that I realized she wasn’t the girl for me. And I truly believe it wasn’t bashert. It was such a relief once I broke things off. Before that, I was smiling and saying all the right things because that was what was expected of me. I feel so much better now.
I am not giving any details of who I am or who my former kallah is, and who our families are; I’ll provide just a small bit of detail here. Once we were engaged, I saw the girl’s true nature. I know you will correct me and tell me to call her a “young woman” or “lady,” but in this case, I will argue that she is a girl. I saw a quick temper, along with tantrums that followed when she didn’t get her way. I didn’t like the way she communicated and acted around her family. But she was the “perfect kallah-to-be” when she was in public and around my family. I didn’t fully understand at the l’chayim when the girl’s brother said something to me to the effect of, you don’t know what you’re getting, or be prepared for what you’re getting. I forgot the exact words, but it wasn’t said in a joking, loving way.
Long story short, once I saw that this was typical behavior of the girl, I knew what had to be done. I spoke with my parents and my rav. The engagement was broken a couple of days later. Yes, there were tears – hers, not mine. I did it in a very respectful way. I knew I could not be persuaded to change my mind, although she tried. I didn’t want to be saddled with a spoiled brat who would get angry and throw a tantrum every time she didn’t get what she wanted. I’m prepared for children to act like that, but if I don’t have a partner who is a mature adult and able to reason things out, then I’ll feel alone and that we do not have a united front on any issue. I can’t and won’t do that to myself. I deserve more – everyone deserves more than that.
Here I am, back in the shidduch scene slowly, and of course broken engagement comes up very often with shadchanim – and even with nosy people in my neighborhood. I’m forthcoming with everyone about the broken engagement, but people are pushing me to give details as to why things didn’t work out. One shadchan even went so far as to say, “It’ll help me redt you better if I knew and was able to tell girls and their mothers that the broken engagement was 100 percent not any fault of yours.” I don’t even know what that means – to say that “I was madly in love, and she broke the engagement and have no idea why,” would make me look like an idiot, and that’s not the truth. All I say is what I wrote at the beginning of my letter, “We weren’t bashert and it’s better this way. B’ezras Hashem, we will both find our basherts.” I am taking the high road. But people still try to find out the real reason, they speak with my parents, siblings… But we are not saying the real reason because eventually I do want the girl to date someone who will love her as is (if she doesn’t mature) and to marry her.
I recently heard from a friend that the girl is telling anyone who would listen that I wanted her to change her behavior and wanted to “mold her” into the perfect wife and told her I couldn’t accept someone who behaved in a way that I didn’t approve of. I can’t believe this. When I broke things off, I thought she deserved to know why, and I told her that I couldn’t put up with her tantrums and childish behavior. Although she did not act like that with me yet, I was sure it was going to come after the wedding because of how she behaved with her family. I added that I could not marry someone who didn’t seem to respect her family. She knew what I was referring to. I never told her to change. I just said that I couldn’t marry her the way she is now. I didn’t try to mold her or anything. I wanted to cut ties with her, and I did. I would love to provide people with the real reason I called off the engagement and even give an example or two; but in the long run, it can only hurt the girl, plus it won’t make me look good. People may think I’m lying to save my own reputation because I’m the one who broke it off. But I’d like everyone to keep their mouths shut. I know I am doing the right thing, but in the meantime, she is exaggerating the truth and making herself look good in the process of ruining my reputation… I want to hear what you have to say about this. I won’t start bad-mouthing her – but I want to tell the truth!
Got Out Before It Was Too Late
*****
Thank you for your email, Got Out (I’ll refer to you as GO).
You asked for my honest opinion, and I will give it. No good deed goes unpunished. Like you said, you took the high road, and your statement is true enough, but here you found out that she is basically telling people that you tried to “mold her,” to force her to change her personality and behavior. Not cool at all.
If you did tell people the truth and provided an example or two like, “and then she threw a glass of soda at her mother,” or “she held her breath until she literally turned blue,” what would you really be accomplishing? Yes, you’d be telling the truth, but now we are getting into a “She Said, He Said” issue, and no one comes out smelling like a rose in those.
For those who you feel are being nosy and just want gossip of what happened, ask them for a deep private embarrassing secret from their life that no one, not even their spouse knows and once they tell you theirs, you’ll tell them yours. I can almost guarantee that no one will take you up on that offer. I don’t have any problem telling people, “It’s really none of your business and just pure lashon ha’ra.” I find that a statement like that usually turns the inquiring minds off, because you called them what they were to their face – gossipers.
Now, what to do with this “girl.” I’ll allow you to call her a girl, if you insist that’s what she is and how she acted. I once had a co-worker who had a broken engagement. And I, too, asked “What happened?” But at least I added, “I just want to know because I’m nosy,” which she laughed at. I didn’t fake sympathy or anything else. I was just curious. My co-worker told me that she couldn’t even tell me if she wanted to because a document was drawn up by the chasan’s family, not allowing her (or him) to speak about the broken engagement or her former chasan at all. She can’t say anything good or bad about him or their time together or what caused the engagement to break. She said the document was drawn up so both of them can go forward and find their basherts. That seems nice, but is it legal? Did a lawyer or rav or a family friend draw it up? It could be an NDA, Non-Disclosure Agreement, like we hear about many times in today’s news. But you know what? I don’t think it’s a bad idea.
For whatever reason, relationships end, whether between chasan and kallah, husband and wife, or between roommates. Obviously, each side will try to be the one viewed as the wronged one and the victim and lucky to have been the one to end things. And even though everyone knows that there is Side A and Side B in an argument, and the truth lies somewhere in between, there is a definitive wronged one in the situation. For argument’s sake, I will say that if this girl pretended to be mature while dating and only showed her true personality after you were engaged, I’ll call you the wronged one, the victim. She may view herself as the wronged one because once she revealed her true personality, you couldn’t accept her (and I’ll just leave it at that). Maybe having such a document as my co-worker isn’t such a bad idea. As far as I know, she never said a word about her former chasan, not a good or bad word. Maybe you should look into a document such as that one. But at this point with the time that has passed, there is no reason for her to sign such a document. My co-worker was asked to sign on the day they broke up. And again, I don’t know if a deal was made: “You can keep the gifts as long as you keep quiet.” I don’t know.
GO, you can walk with your head held high, knowing you are doing the right thing. People may not think that is something to be proud of, but I do. You must look at yourself at the end of each day and ask yourself if you acted in a decent and kind way to all you encountered. If you can answer “yes,” you should know in your heart that’s enough. But in the world we live in, people thrive on gossip and the juicier the better. It’s unfortunate that I know someone who seems to live on a liquid diet of juicy details. No solids. No substance or fact checking, just juicy gossip. I can’t tell you if what your former kallah is saying won’t cost you a date or two, or worse, but knowing you are doing the right thing will help you in the long run. And when you do meet your bashert and if she has heard of the rumor, she will see for herself how untrue it is.
Hope this helped and this is what you wanted to hear/see.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
