The Mishnah states that the mother of the Kohen Gadol would bring gifts of food and clothing to the accidental killers who were forced to run to the Cities of Refuge. She did so in order to dissuade them from praying that her son should die (since the accidental killers are released from the city upon the death of her son). The Gemara infers that if the killers would pray that the Kohen Gadol die, then the Kohen Gadol indeed would be in danger of dying because such a prayer is not considered a kil’las chinam – a curse uttered in vain, which cannot take effect, as the Kohen Gadol does carry some responsibility for the accidental killing, since he should have prayed for the well-being of the people of his generation.

A remarkable incident took place not long ago that demonstrates the far-reaching vision of our g’dolei ha’dor. A 19-year-old girl was blessed with a relatively easy “parshah” of shidduchim, and after a short while became engaged to a wonderful ben Torah. The chasan and kallah were excited and began to make preparations for their big day. All was going well and a date was chosen, when suddenly, misfortune became their lot. The kallah’s father began to feel unwell, and after a battery of tests were undertaken, he was given the deadly diagnosis: He had cancer.

The father sat his daughter down and explained to her that in this moment of need, there was nobody he needed more than her. Especially since the passing of his wife, her mother, she had seen to his every need and been there to take care of him every step of the way. Now that he was sick, he would need her that much more. There was no way he would manage if she moved out. He requested that she postpone the day of the wedding – at least for one year – as he underwent treatment.

The young girl was confused and distraught. She spoke to her chasan and asked him what he felt. As a true ben Torah, his only response was, “Go talk to a rav and hear what he has to say. Of course, I will honor whatever he tells you.”

She came to Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein shlita and presented the sh’eilah. He spent quite a bit of time asking her all sorts of questions until it became clear that her father really relied on her and would be unable to manage if she moved out. The new couple could not move in with her father, nor could the father move in with them, as this was unfair to the groom and bride. Other options were untenable, and it was left for the Rav to decide on postponing the date of the wedding or not.

Rav Zilberstein thought long and hard. The kallah was all of 19 years old. Waiting for one year was definitely a possibility. And unlike her chasan, she was not obligated in the mitzvah of P’ru U’R’vu (bearing children), which could counterbalance her mitzvah of Kibud Av Va’eim (honoring the wishes of one’s parents). Thus, if her father expressly asked her to wait, she would have no choice but to follow his directive. Rav Zilberstein was prepared to issue his ruling.

Snce this was a matter of halachah, though, Rav Zilberstein decided to bring the sh’eilah before his renowned brother-in- law, Rav Chaim Kanievsky shlita, for clarification. He explained the entire situation at length and detailed why he believed the ruling must be that the wedding should wait. Rav Chaim listened throughout and nodded occasionally.

Then he spoke up. “All your explanations are quite valid. According to strict halachah, you are correct. However, based on the Mishnah in Makkos, I would rule otherwise. You see, when an accidental killer goes to an ir miklat, the mother of the Kohen Gadol supplies him with food and clothing, so that he does not daven for the death of her son. This is a real, valid worry for the mother. If a person prays for the death of another, it is something to be concerned about.”

Rav Chaim looked at his brother-in-law and continued. “The same applies in this case. If the wedding is pushed off for a full year, who is to say that the chasan will not daven that his future father-in-law passes away quickly, so that he can marry his daughter? And if you think this is a stretch of the imagination, well, Chazal obviously didn’t think so, since they believed that a desperate man in an ir miklat would daven for the death of a tzadik as great as the Kohen Gadol!”

Rav Zilberstein hurried to the home of the girl’s father. Using the logic that if his daughter got married quickly, both she and her chasan would daven even harder for his imminent recovery, he convinced the man to let her get married.


Rabbi Dovid Hoffman is the author of the popular “Torah Tavlin” book series, filled with stories, wit and hundreds of divrei Torah, including the brand new “Torah Tavlin Yamim Noraim” in stores everywhere. You’ll love this popular series. Also look for his book, “Heroes of Spirit,” containing one hundred fascinating stories on the Holocaust. They are fantastic gifts, available in all Judaica bookstores and online at http://israelbookshoppublications.com. To receive Rabbi Hoffman’s weekly “Torah Tavlin” sheet on the parsha, e-mail This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.