On Wednesday night, March 26, Chazaq Connections hosted a shiur given by Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, Director of The Shmuz and author of 10 Dumb Mistakes Smart Couples Make, at the Young Israel of Hillcrest.
Rabbi Shafier related that maybe the way you’ve been dating is not the right way. Moshe Rabbeinu was given the mission to bring the Jewish People out of Egypt. Oppression became harsher.
At a certain point, Moshe Rabbeinu asked Hashem why He made it bad for the Jews. “Why have You sent me?” The Gemara states that the Avos didn’t ask Hashem a question like this. Moshe was the greatest human being who ever lived. So how can we understand this Gemara?
The Rambam says that emunah is understanding with total clarity that the Creator is the Creator and He runs the world. He alone did, does, and will do all actions on the planet. Emunah is knowing that Hashem runs the world.
Bitachon is different. It’s trusting and relying on Hashem. Par’oh ordered the throwing of Jewish male infants into the Nile River on the understanding that Hashem will never destroy the world again by means of a flood.
Par’oh understood that Hashem runs the world, but he didn’t have bitachon, which is relying on and trusting Hashem.
Moshe had total clarity. No human being ever possessed the “total clarity” that Moshe Rabbeinu had.
Rabbi Shafier then shared that “I believe there are four levels to emunah.” He then enumerated and explained each level. The first level is knowing that Hashem created the world.
Observing Shabbos is a way of remembering that Hashem is the Creator. Creation came from nothing. Everything created needs maintenance. Everything is there in the world because Hashem is maintaining it. HaMakom means The Place. Hashem keeps everything in existence. I exist because Hashem created me and maintains me. So, understanding this, we know how dependent we are on Hashem for our existence.
The second level of emunah is knowing that Hashem runs the world in the big picture issues of life. Some examples of these are hurricanes, new technologies, diseases, etc. Hashem determines every future event on this planet. Hashem sits back as the judge and orchestrates everything He decreed on Rosh HaShanah.
The third level of emunah has to do with the fact that my intentions define my actions. Hashem knows my thoughts as I am thinking them. In Sh’moneh Esrei, we ask Hashem that our words and thoughts find favor in Hashem’s eyes.
The fourth level of emunah is that Hashem carries out His decree every day. Hashem is the judge and is on the scene all day every day.
Rabbi Shafier offered a suggestion for growing emunah. He said it means talking to Hashem in a real conversation. He said that to grow in emunah, when you wake in the morning you should say, “Good morning, Hashem.”
He shared the powerful ideas in the brachah of She’hakol. Baruch atah Hashem – our G-d, King of the Universe, everything in existence was, is, and will be by Your words alone. Hashem is right here in the present. “Davening is having a conversation with Hashem.”
The next time you daven, personalize the Sh’moneh Esrei: Speak to your Creator and ask for help.
He added two thoughts that you need to have to grow bitachon. First, Hashem loves me more than I love myself. Second, 80 percent of our emunah problems come from playing “G-d.” I know what I need. I need to marry this person, get this job, etc.
I’m forgetting that Hashem is the Master. I am His servant. Hashem knows better than I do, as to what is best for me. Hashem has a greater plan, and He determined what will happen beforehand.
So, what is hishtadlus for dating? Rabbi Shafier said that the ideal system has the Paper Test and the Bashert Test.
So, first, find out on paper if you match. Are you looking for the same things in life? After the Paper Test, then take the Bashert Test. This means that you go out and see if it feels right. Do you have a common language, and do you look forward to dates. You’re looking for an intuitive sense that it’s comfortable and right.
However, most people have a laundry list and don’t get out the right way. They know what they need and go to the marketplace to find the one closest to their list. This is the wrong way to date. You need to know that Hashem found the right one before you were born – 40 days before.
The right one is the one that passes the Bashert Test. Many people have imaginary ideas about what they need. He shared an example of someone looking for a wife who had lush hair.
He then detailed three mistakes that people make when going out. The first mistake is: I like being with him and he seems to be right, but I could do better. I could marry someone richer, more intelligent, etc. They forget that Hashem chose the perfect match.
You could pass up your bashert this way. So, the second mistake is that I know what I need and she’s not it. A marriage is a complex union of two very different people who have to “mish together” properly.
How well do you know yourself? How well do you know the opposite gender? You need to know that the way the opposite gender looks at things is very different from how you look at things. How well do you know this institution of marriage?
The third mistake is a rough one. I can’t get married because I don’t love him. I’m not in love. He said, “It is my firm belief that most couples find, after six months of marriage, that one of them wakes up and says he or she married the wrong one. “They mistook infatuation for love. Love takes a lot of work.”
You love a person despite his or her flaws. Infatuation is short-lived. You need to know that, and that a married couple works on their bond. They need to work on their connection. Most close relationships take a lot of work.
He shared that he dealt with hundreds of engaged couples. There is zero correlation between those very infatuated or those who are not, and how happy they are as a couple.
“Are you able to close your eyes and take the plunge and say, ‘Hashem brought me to this person and it feels right because there’s a commonality’? Say, ‘I trust in my Creator.’”
By Susie Garber
